Henry Saw: MacGruber

I knew I would hate this movie...


I don't know why I bothered to watch this. I was lured in by the fact that I've read a lot of positive reviews of MacGruber and allowed myself to believe it might not be that bad.

It's that bad.

MacGruber is...or it believes it is...a spoof of 80's action films. It opens with a scene that is apparently, though I can't think of one, ripped out of multiple action films: a top military guy tracks down a retired hero and convinces him to take on one last mission. Here's a big problem: Hot Shots Part Deux did it first. The opening sequences of Hot Shots 2 and MacGruber are the exact same except that Hot Shots Part Deux is funnier.

The rest of MacGruber follows the titular character, created for SNL by Will Forte, trying to take down Dieter Von Cunth (fat Val Kilmer). Reread the last name of the villain...get it?...that's the level of humor in this film.

Co-staring in the film is Kristin Wiig as MacGruber's main assistant/ main squeeze. If you see this movie, which you really should not do, look out for a sex scene between Forte and Wiig. I've read multiple reviews that found it hilarious...it's not. Ryan Phillippe plays the straight man Lt. Dixon Piper, he seems to have had zero fun making the film, and I sort of felt bad for Phillippe by the end.



The jokes mostly evoke dead silence. There are a few clever moments, I enjoyed MacGruber's notepad that Dixon finds, but most of the film is made up of crass nonsense. Will Forte, a comic with zero charisma, seems to find throwing the "F" word into every sentence an easy shortcut to comedy. Wiig, who often overdoes things, is given nothing funny to do. Kilmer, who to his credit plays the role straight, is just kind of dull.

Skip MacGruber. Seriously, it's terrible. I laughed twice, smirked thrice, and that's it. This is a movie that should never have been made. It's just a weak parody, an awkward comedy, and a crap film.

Grade: D+

Best Scene: The throat-ripping theme at the end...

Henry Saw: Shrek Forever After

This series could have been so much more..


It's easy to forget how good the first Shrek was. It worked on many different levels: as a parody of Disney films, as an attack on the Disney corporation, as a skewer on fairy tales in general, and, lest we forget, an incredibly endearing kids movie at the same time. It was a total success, a movie I still am happy to watch anytime its on TV, that introduced a world that screenwriters could have done a lot with in the sequels.

Shrek 2 was funny, and again it was a solid kids film, but it had none of the bite that the first Shrek had. There were some sharp visual gags, but it mostly relied on the strong voice work from Eddie Murphy and Antonio Bandaras, and started to sink into the trap of making lame pop-culture references and thinking that counted as a joke.

Shrek the Third was a disaster. With a plot I can barely remember, and a ton of obvious and juvenile gross-out jokes, the whole film just felt incredibly lazy. Though financially successful, the general reaction from everyone was a collective "meh", and the franchise seemed creatively dead.

This did not mean there would not be a fourth film, the third was just too profitable, but the promise that this would be the last Shrek (there will be a Puss-in-Boots spin-off film next year) gave some hope that the creators would find some more inspiration than they did for third one.



And to be fair...they did. Shrek "4" is a much better movie than Shrek 3. Though the plot is derivative of It's a Wonderful Life, and countless television episodes, at least it has a plot. IMDB's plot description: A bored and domesticated Shrek pacts with deal-maker Rumpelstiltskin to get back to feeling like a real ogre again, but when he's duped and sent to a twisted version of Far Far Away -- where Rumpelstiltskin is king, ogres are hunted, and he and Fiona have never met -- he sets out to restore his world and reclaim his true love.

Shrek Forever After is not what I would call funny, it's more passably amusing than anything, but it is never downright awful like the third film. I find it somewhat strange that this is yet another animated movie about the main character going through a mid-life crisis (The Incredibles and Fantastic Mr. Fox spring to mind) but I don't think children will have a hard time understanding Shrek's desire to be a feared ogre again.



Again, this Shrek sequel lacks any of the smart or adult humor of the first film. Abandoning any attempts to satirize fairy tales, or their Disney versions, the humor more falls into the camp of throw away one-liners and relying on Eddie Murphy and Antonio Banderas' vocal talents. Murphy, who really helped sell the Shrek movies to kids with his character Donkey, is consistent. Donkey, given funnier lines than the last two films, is missed whenever he's off-screen. Banderas, though less used than Shrek 3, has a larger impact here as an overweight Puss-In-Boots.

As for the stars, Mike Myers as Shrek and Cameron Diaz as Fiona, they have little to no impact. They're fairly boring characters, even, the warrior queen version of Fiona, and they don't really have any "chemistry". The other components of the film, the animation, direction, score, soundtrack, etc...they're all rather pedestrian. I saw the film in 2D and it was obvious which parts were designed with 3D in mind...each moment was awkward and cheap...and I was quite pleased I saw the film without having to wear those damn glasses.

The Shrek franchise stands as a series of missed opportunities. It could have been so much more anarchic and rebellious without hurting its mass appeal. As is, the three Shrek sequels are all vastly inferior to the first. Shrek Forever After is not a bad movie like the third one was, it's just incredibly bland, and a forgettable 80 minutes in the theater. Unless you have a kid who is obsessed with Shrek...it's not worth it.

Grade: C

Best Scene: A tie between anything with the German Three Little Pigs...they always make me laugh...and the Gingerbread Man forced to combat other Gingerbread creatures like a rooster in a cock-fight.

A dire few weeks ahead...?

Just a few notes about the upcoming slate of films and reviews...



So the next few weeks are going to be relatively brutal:

- This weekend: You could not pay me to see MacGruber or Holy Rollers (My review of Shrek 4 will be up on Wednesday though)

- Next weekend: Prince of Persia just seems truly terrible to me but it is possible I will end up seeing it. Sex in the City 2...not gonna happen.

- June 4th: Killers...no. Get Him to the Greek...maybe. Could be funny. Not in any hurry though. Splice is definitely something I will try and see.

- June 11th: The A-Team...this will be the first weekend after Ben's big test so I have a feeling we will go see this together. Still, not excited at all for this one. Much more excited for Winter's Bone which which got a lot of praise at the last Sundance Film Festival. This is my most eagerly awaited film of the next few weeks.

- June 18th: Toy Story 3 and Jonah Hex. I have zero expectations for either (Hated Toy Story 2 and Jonah Hex looks like mule feces). Will probably see both. On the independent film front there is I Am Love with Tilda Swinton and Cyrus with John C. Reily and Jonah Hill. I'm very "blah" on both of those.

- June 25th: Grown-Ups is another one you would have to pay me to watch. Knight and Day is only interesting because some of it was shot in Boston which always piques my interest.

So yeah, could be a brutal month. Might have to review some DVDs I have piled up in front of me including House (crazy 70s Japanese picture), Force of Evil, Tales from the Golden Age (the newest movie by the guy who made 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days) and Putney Swope.

Keep reading -

Be good,

Hen

Henry Saw: Solomon Kane

Guilty Pleasure (via Urban Dictionary): n.
to describe a certain substance or activity a person enjoys, and often practices, while said person morally believed or is informed that the substance or activity is abnormal, improper or incorrect.

I just enjoyed the movie Solomon Kane


Solomon Kane is a bad, bad movie. The effects are...Sci-Fi channel at best. The acting, despite the always reliable Pete Postlethwaite and Max Von Sydow, is poor. The plot is on the level of Mortal Kombat 2. But I kind of liked the movie.

Well, I really liked it.

We open with an awful, if well choreographed, action scene involving our "hero" Solomon Kane. There's a lot of stabbing, some dead Asians, some kind of mystical stuff...I honestly didn't understand a thing. But I was entertained; and totally got the set-up: Solomon Kane is an English explorer who is doomed to Hell due to all the awful things he has done. He now has to set out to right some wrongs and buy himself a pass into Heaven.

Solomon Kane was created by Robert E. Howard, who is better known as the creator of Conan the Barbarian. I find Kane a much more interesting creation. Set during the 1600's (I think) Kane deals with situations involving witches, would-be settlers, religious fanatics, colonialists, and mystics. His outfit, which was ripped off by Van Helsing, is visually iconic:



The movie just...worked. It's clearly low budget, it's clearly made in a post-Army of Darkness world, but it knows exactly what kind of movie it should be. James Purefoy, an actor I only know as Marc Antony on HBO's Rome, is a charming and grounded lead performer. He sells every moment, no matter how ridiculous, and is convincing in the action scenes. Max Von Sydow slums it a bit here, but is good as always, and it is always nice to see Jason Flemyng get work.

The main, and really only, reason to ever see Solomon Kane is how surprisingly strong the fight scenes are. Well choreographed, easy to follow, and well spaced apart, the action in Solomon Kane is by far its best feature.



Absolutely not a film I would tell you to seek out. Again, it's crap, but it's very entertaining crap. While never reaching the absurd highs of Army of Darkness, there's some of that same spirit of fun here, and I'm always happy to watch a competently directed action film that doesn't take itself too seriously. If its ever on TNT or Showtime, and you're in the right mood, leave it on - it's better than you would think.

Grade: A high C+

Best Scene: I enjoyed the fight scene where Solomon tries to defend Pete Postlethwaite's family.

Henry Saw: Robin Hood

A lot of mistakes went into making this one...


The character of Robin Hood does not have the most glorious cinematic history. Douglass Fairbanks was the first actor to portray the English folk hero on screen, in a little seen 1922 movie, and the clips I've seen of that film are quite cool. The most beloved interpretation of Robin Hood is Errol Flynn's rendition in 1938's The Adventures of Robin Hood. The movie is gorgeous to look at, and is fun in a corny way, but it is over-rated and hasn't aged particularly well. Since 1938, we've gotten a Disney version (a childhood favorite but not one of Disney's best), a version of "old" Robin Hood with Sean Connery and Audrey Hepburn, and Kevin Costner's mullet, among others. It's easy to understand why Ridley Scott and Russel Crowe thought they could make their mark on the character on film.

This film started as a script called Nottingham. It was going to be a retelling of the Robin Hood legend but told from the perspective of the Sheriff of Nottingham. Original reports had Crowe starring as the Sheriff with some younger English stud (Christian Bale?) co-starring as the antagonist. For some reason, perhaps the studio thought audiences did not want to see Robin Hood as the villain, that idea was scrapped. So Scott and Crowe decided to do the next best thing, I guess, and make a prequel.

And that is Mistake #1: The Prequel thing. Do we really need a Batman Begins/Casino Royale for Robin Hood? Is that something anyone wants to see? Maybe I would not be saying this if the movie was better, but the fact that this movie takes its full 140 minutes to tell what other Robin Hood movies have gotten across in 20 minutes, just did not sit right with me.



For the first half-hour of the movie I thought all the critics who had given it a bad review were out of their minds. We open with a castle siege led by Richard the Lionhearted. This is Ridley Scott doing what he does best. The best moments of Kingdom of Heaven had nothing to do with Orlando Bloom (obviously), or Eva Green, or even Ed Norton or Liam Neeson. It was the siege and defense of Jerusalem. Scott flexes his epic battle scene muscles again for the opening of Robin Hood. The coordination, the clarity of events, the scope...the opening of Robin Hood is fantastic. We meet Crowe's Robin Hood as a confident and loyal archer in Richard's army. After an enjoyable, but forced, encounter with Richard after the battle, Robin and his friends end up in the stockades. True to history, Richard's death during another siege allows Robin and company to escape into the French woods.

Inter-cut with these early battle sequences are three different strands and characters that will all connect at the end of the film. The first, and actually the first major character we see on screen, is Cate Blanchett's Lady Marian. With her husband away at war, she is forced to deal with young thieves raiding her stockyards. We see that she is living with her husband's father (Max Von Sydow) and trying to run a 5000 acre patch of land by herself. We also see Richard's brother John, next in line for the throne, sleeping with the niece of the French King and dealing with an over-bearing mother. Finally, we get John's best friend Godfrey, played by the always captivating Mark Strong, working both sides and planning a plot against England with King Philip of France. This is mistake #2: Too much stuff. I love the history involved with this movie, and no single strand of Robin Hood can be singled out as bad, but there's just a bit too much going on.

Soon, Robin and his "men" have found a way to cross the channel to France that involves Robin pretending to be Sir Robert Loxley, crossing paths with Godfrey, and ending up at Cate Blanchett and Max Von Sydow's doorstep. This leads to a good 40 minutes of Ridley Scott remaking The Return of Martin Guerre (mistake #3) but completely devoid of humor or drama. Meanwhile, the French army, led by Godfrey, is raping and pillaging Northern England like they were Jason Isaac's Red Coats in The Patriot, and newly crowned King John is ranting about taxes, and William Hurt is bored in a worthless supporting role, and some other stuff.



I guess this is where I need to bring up the movie Gladiator. It's inevitable. Russel Crowe and Ridley Scott have now teamed up five times. The first, and greatest, was Gladiator. It's a nearly perfect action film, it won Best Picture, and earned Russel Crowe a Best Action Oscar. A Good Year, in which Crowe played Max (not Maximus...get it?) was a ****ing disaster. American Gangster and Body of Lies followed, Crowe was okay-to-good in smaller parts, but neither movie made a real impact. This is their first movie that actively invites comparisons with Gladiator. Both are action epics, both have an all-time older actor taking Crowe's character under his wing, both have a strong female who has an awkward relationship with Crowe, both have Crowe joking around with a small group of friends, and both have Crowe being thrown a weapon while he's riding on a horse (mistake #48). That last one might be a small thing, but anyone who has seen Gladiator will recognize that "move", and it's quite jarring. The lack of originality in the action scenes, outside of the opening siege, is disappointing.

The acting in the film is fine, competent, but hardly memorable. Russel Crowe looks old, never seems that invested, and has an accent that is all over the place. Blanchett is given nothing to do, which is shameful, as she is probably the best working actress in cinema. Max Von Sydow is always good, as is Mark Strong, but no one else is remotely interesting. William Hurt looks incredibly bored, Oscar Isaac brings something to the table as King John but has the wrong look, and Robin's "merry men" are interchangeable.



Finally we come to a conclusion that starts with Russel Crowe uniting the dukes of Northern England with a big speech about liberty. Apparently we're watching the creation of the Magna Carta, kinda, though I think that point will be missed by most American audiences. His speech is dull, delivered with none of the passion seen in Gibson's Braveheart or Branagh's Henry V, though we are thankfully spared the speech to the troops when the battle begins. The battle, fought on the beach near the cliffs of Dover, is surprisingly lame. While the sheer amount of horses is impressive, its nothing we haven't seen in Return of the King, and the rest of the sequence offers little.

It doesn't help that it begins with the worst moment in a movie so far this year. Cate Blanchett, left behind in Nottingham when Crowe and company galloped to war, shows up in a full suit of armor. Not only that, but she's brought along a group of children, riding ponies, who had been hiding out in the forest. It's ridiculous. Not only does it make one think of Elizabeth: The Golden Age, or Eowyn in Return of the King, but it is an agonizing example of Hollywood feeling forced to throw in a woman's empowerment moment when it just doesn't belong. The fight itself is weakened by the fact that we see children, on ponies, killing French soldiers who are in full armor. We never know which character we're supposed to follow, the climatic confrontation between Mark Strong and Russel Crowe is a mess, and it just sort of putters out at the end.

The final scene, where Robin Hood is declared an OUTLAAAAAAW, comes out of nowhere. One definitely senses that there was an entire sequence, to bridge the battle and the final scene, that was cut out due to running time. Perhaps there's a great 4 hour version of this film out there, the Director's Cut of Kingdom of Heaven is significantly better than the theatrical version, but I doubt it. The movie just meanders for too long, offers the least satisfying conclusion, and feels entirely useless at the end.



I wanted to like the film, I'm a big fan of both Ridley Scott and Russel Crowe, but this just did not work. The first half-hour is great, and if its playing on an airplane or on cable you should be sure to watch it, but just turn it off after that. The film never gives us a reason to think that it should have been made. Would have I have liked a movie following Richard the Lionheart and his return home? Yes. Would have I enjoyed a film focusing on the politics behind John's rise to power and the creation of the Magna Carta? Yes. Would I ever like to rewatch this movie, which touches on those subjects, but to no end, and fails on every other level? No.

Grade: C+

Best Scene: The opening castle siege...

Henry Saw: Nowhere Boy

If this wasn't about John Lennon...no one would care


This is not, strictly speaking, a musical biopic in the vein of Ray or Walk the Line. Nowhere Boy does not try to tell the entire tale of John Lennon's life. It is sort of the Batman Begins for John Lennon, his origin story, following his teenage years in Liverpool. The movie centers around Lennon's relationship with the aunt who raised him, his estranged mother with whom he tries to reconnect, and his early band-mates (including a young Paul McCartney).

In Nowhere Boy we learn that Lennon, from around the age of five years old, was raised by his mother's sister. The exact reasons behind this are only revealed towards the end, so I won't spoil them for you, but most of the film is actually about him trying to form a relationship with the mother who abandoned him. John's aunt is played with stoic decency by the always great Kristin Scott-Thomas. His mother, played Anne-Marie Duff, who gives a slightly less successful performance. To be fair, the role of Julia Lennon is much more difficult, but that is partially due to the part being underwritten. Duff is asked to play flirty, fun-loving, damaged, adoring, angry...it's too much for Duff to pull off sadly.



Lennon himself is played by Aaron Johnson, and just like his last starring role in Kick-Ass, he is the least interesting character in the movie. His attempt at mimicking John Lennon's famous voice varies in success from scene to scene, his devil-may-care attitude throughout the film always felt forced, and he fails to sell all the dramatic beats. His singing is also suspect, with only an acoustic version of "Hello Little Girl", the first song written by John Lennon, resonating at all.



The scenes with Lennon and his Quarry Men, the band he founded before the Beatles, are not as fun as they should be. The music choices, though accurate for the time and the characters, are all rather trite and their performances are hardly noteworthy. The only standout in these sequences is Thomas Sangster as Paul McCartney. Sangster is best known for his roles in Love Actually and Bright Star and is fantastic in an under-written part. Clearly cast more for his talent than his resemblance to a young McCartney, Sangster nails each musical performance, and then out-acts Aaron Johnson in a pivotal moment for John Lennon's character. Sangster is the most impressive thing in the movie.

The whole movie just does not work dramatically. If you did not know it was about John Lennon you would not care about the central character at all. Last year's An Education was about a young English girl coming of age, at around the same time as John Lennon was, but that film made you care about the central, fictional, character. Director Sam Taylor Wood and writer Matt Greenhalgh relied on our interest in the real John Lennon to maintain our interest in their cinematic version.



Nowhere Boy serves as a nice reminder of just how young Lennon and McCartney were when they met and began the most famous partnership in rock and roll history. It reveals the interesting circumstances of his upbringing, and the music that he grew to love, which both influenced him throughout his career. Unfortunately, the movie just doesn't really work as a whole. Aaron Johnson is just not a compelling lead, the music scenes are just a little too trite, and despite being about one of the biggest, and most beloved, rock stars of all time...it just never gives you a reason to care.

Grade: C

Best Scene: When John punches Paul...

Henry Saw: Iron Man 2

A worthy sequel



I consider Iron Man the first major movie I really reviewed for PITAOE. Sure, I had written about The Ruins and Baby Mama before Iron Man, but who remembers those movies? Iron Man was the first event film to be released after we started PITAOE. Iron Man is quite possibly the best summer movie of my lifetime. Everyone I know loved it. Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of Tony Stark is the most perfectly captured portrayal of a Super Hero of all time, and the spark he brought to the part permeated throughout the whole movie. Iron Man set the benchmark for all future summer action flicks - including its sequel.

I'm also heavily invested in what Marvel Films is trying to pull off. I've been a comic book reader since I was five and I was always a Marvel fan-boy. The idea that Marvel is trying to build a universe in their films that resembles what the comics have built up over the last 50 years is incredibly exciting. The way that Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk introduced the world was perfect. It is clear that part of Iron Man 2's job was to set-up the forthcoming films: Thor and Captain America.

So how was Iron Man 2? It's a really fun time at the movies. It works as a sequel to Iron Man, meaning it has the same tone and feel as the first film, and continues Tony Stark's story in a logical way. Thanks to stellar work from the whole cast the movie is always entertaining, even when it is let down by the script, and the action is even better than in the first. IM 2 is not as good as the first film, it's not as tightly constructed and isn't bursting with the same energy, but this is hardly Spider-Man 3. I liked Iron Man 2 a great deal and I'm very excited to see it again soon.



Iron Man 2 begins right after the first film ended: We open with Mickey Rourke's Ivan Vanko watching Stark's "I AM IRON MAN" press conference. We fast forward six months and see that Tony Stark/Iron Man has been completely embraced by the public. The US Government, however, wants Stark to share his technology with the army and is frustrated by his refusal to do so. Though still close with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and Lt. Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes (Don Cheadle who replaced Terrence Howard), Tony does not tell either of them that the same technology that saved his life, and allowed Iron Man to exist, is now slowly killing him. As the film progresses Tony must contend with Vanko, a rival executive named Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and the rest of S.H.I.E.L.D., and a beautiful new assistant (Scarlet Johansson) who is not all that she seems.

It is a very busy movie. It's not difficult to follow, but each plot thread is underdeveloped as a result of how many balls Favreau is trying to juggle. Iron Man was intensely focused on Tony Stark, and to a lesser extent, his relationship with Pepper. This led to some complaining about how little we got to know about Jeff Bridges' Obidiah Stane and Terrence Howard's Rhodey in the first one. This film has Tony confronting the government, Vanko, Justin Hammer, Pepper at times, Rhodey at times, his father, and his own weaknesses. Plus, we get Nick Fury and Black Widow in roles that, if one does not know about the Avengers movie, would feel completely superfluous. It's a little too much.



Thankfully, the cast makes it work. Downey Jr. owns the role. He's so charming, and compelling, that he prevents the film from ever collapsing under its own weight. Also standing out again is Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm not a huge Paltrow fan but I love her in these movies. She's clearly having a great time, has great chemistry with Downey Jr., and really does add a touch of class to the proceedings. Don Cheadle does a worthy job replacing Terrence Howard, he's simply a better actor, and makes for a more believable War Machine than Howard would have (I think at least). As Justin Hammer, Sam Rockwell brings his usual quirky rhythm to the role. His banter with Tony Stark is highly enjoyable and Rockwell is able to make a fairly well rounded character out of an underwritten part. Scarlet Johansson looks good, but makes little impact as Natalie, and never felt essential. The biggest flaw in the cast, as I knew it would be, was Mickey Rourke. He's not bad, he's just so awful to look at, and brings nothing to his scenes with Rockwell or Downey Jr.. Finally, as Nick Fury, Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson.

The plot has some high and low points. The idea of Tony Stark refusing to share his armor with the government, and "privatizing world peace", makes total sense for the character. I also enjoyed the idea of Justin Hammer, a jealous rival to Stark, doing everything he can to reproduce the Iron Man armor and sell it to the military. Unfortunately the sub-plot of Tony Stark's armor slowly killing him, and the National Treasure like way he solves the problem, is trite and uninteresting. I appreciated the self-destructive behavior Stark indulges in as a result of his impending doom, and bought the fight Stark has with Rhodey as a result of his conduct, but I don't think Stark needed to be dying to act reckless and drink too much. The character of Tony Stark has always been somewhat irresponsible and an alcoholic.



The Vanko sub-plot, and his family's feud with the Starks, did nothing for me. The rivalry with Justin Hammer was enough for the film. Why not just have Whip-Lash (the villain from the comics that Vanko most closely resembles) be a random goon of Hammer's? It's a bit strange how every superhero movie is so afraid to have a villain who is not really a developed character. Not every villain in the comics has a motivation beyond being greedy and immoral and I wouldn't mind a superhero movie in which we aren't asked to care who the villain really is.



The action sequences in this film are superior to those in the first film. What was strange about the first Iron Man is that the action sequences were among the worst parts of the movie. Other than Iron Man's brief battle against terrorists (the second big set piece), the other action scenes were all unimpressive, and the final fight against Stane was the most disappointing. Favreau must have realized this as he hired the talented Genndy Tartakovsky, creator of Dexter's Laboratory and Samurai Jack, to storyboard the action sequences. Iron Man 2 features two great action scenes and two decent ones - still an improvement on the first film - and enough to make this fan very happy. The best action scene has Iron Man and War Machine (Rhodey in a modified armor of his own) fighting against Hammer's drone robots. It's the scene where we can most easily recognize Tartakovsky's influence. It's my favorite action scene in a comic book movie since Spider-Man 2, as it brings to life and enhances the best Iron Man fights I've ever read from the comics, and gives the film the kind of big concluding fight it deserves.

Iron Man 2 is a must see, even though it's not as strong as the first Iron Man, and its a film I can't wait to revisit. It's another enjoyable romp and its flaws, though far more apparent than in the first film, aren't serious enough to prevent having a good time. Perhaps its best feature is that its a smart film, about thinking adults, and never plays down to the audience. It's a fun film, as it should be, and well worth your time.

Grade: B+

Best Scene: The fight between Iron Man / War Machine and the Droids...

Henry Saw: The Losers

Not...bad.


This was the first comic book movie in awhile that I did not immediately go out and see. One reason for that is I did not love the source material. The Losers, a book by Andy Diggle and Jock, was a decent but uninspired action book from Vertigo comics. The Losers is clearly a modern version of The A-Team, another property with a movie coming out this summer, and the comic never quite hit the right beats for me. The movie works better than the book. The movie's not great, it's filled with major issues, but it's fun. Much to my surprise...it's far more entertaining than Kick-Ass was.

The plot summary via Warner Brothers: A tale of double cross and revenge, centered upon the members of an elite U.S. Special Forces unit sent into the Bolivian jungle on a search and destroy mission. The team-Clay, Jensen, Roque, Pooch and Cougar -find themselves the target of a lethal betrayal instigated from inside by a powerful enemy known only as Max. Presumed dead, the group makes plans to even the score when they're joined by the mysterious Aisha, a beautiful operative with her own agenda. Working together, they must remain deep undercover while tracking the heavily-guarded Max, a ruthless man bent on embroiling the world in a new high-tech global war.



In a movie like The Losers the audience only cares about two things: The cast and the action. The ultimate example of a "team on a mission" film is obviously Aliens. It is unfair to ask another movie to capture a group dynamic as well as James Cameron's film did, but that's what every similar movie should strive for, with something like Mission Impossible 2 as an example of what to avoid. If the cast is strong they can make bad dialogue sound good, or hopefully, improvise better interactions than the script. This is where The Losers gets it the most right.

Chris Evans' back must have hurt after shooting this movie because he carries The Losers. Evans, an actor you might recognize as Johnny Storm from the Fantastic Four movies, is a really (to use a Ben-ism) winning actor. While he's been in his fair share of crap films (Cellular, Push, Not Another Teen Movie) he's never bad. He was by far the best part of both Fantastic Four films. I recently rewatched Danny Boyle's Sunshine, in which he's not the comedic relief, and I am always surprised by how convincing he is in that film. After watching Sunshine you can understand why he has been cast in Captain America. In The Losers he plays the tech-guy Jensen and he steals the show. He's funny, charming, brings out the best in the rest of the cast, sells a lot of stupid scenes...he's fantastic.

The rest of the cast is...okay. I really liked Óscar Jaenada as the stoic sniper Cougar. Columbus Short veers into Alpa Chino in Tropic Thunder territory but he sells some funny lines. Idris Elba, one of the cooler actors working now, seems kind of uninterested throughout...but I'll watch Elba in anything. Zoe Saldana, in her first post-Avatar role, is fine. She looks good, but never seems that tough, and is just kind of eye candy. Jeffery Dean Morgan, who played The Comedian in Watchmen, and who is basically the lead of the film, still just looks like a fat Robert Downey Jr. He seems incredibly bored, is quite uncompelling, and is kind a black hole of blah.

Then there is the villain...Max...played by Jason Patric. Look, I know that being Jason Patric is probably not the happiest life. He was the lead in a cult-favorite called The Lost Boys, got rave reviews for playing a drug addled cop in Rush, and was part of another "team" movie with Sleepers. Then...he got the part Keanu Reeves turned down in Speed 2. Then he was in Narc, not the worst film, but a movie no one saw. Smaller parts in The Alamo, In the Valley of Elah (elah elah eh eh), followed...but he's one of those actors who you don't quite know how you know their name. He's sort of famous but no one really knows why. Maybe it all boils down to this scene from The Lost Boys:



Anyway, Jason Patric is the villain in this movie...and he's horrendous. Truly awful. He seems to think he's in a Roger Moore Bond movie mixed with a children's film like Blank Check. I can't describe how excruciating it is to watch Patric on screen. He ruins, no destroys, every scene he's in. Good god what a disaster.

The other half of the equation, the action, varies from solid to bland. The first action sequence, a rescue operation in the South American jungle is strong. Another good scene, again thanks to Chris Evans, is Jensen's infiltration of a secure office building. The finale, though a little disjointed and lacking in danger, was perfectly fine. The middle section of the film, including a ridiculous attack on an armored truck, is middling. There's a little too much quick editing, the audience never knows precisely where everyone is in each action scene, and the editor uses a stupid freeze frame effect that only detracts.



So what did I think? The Losers is...fine. It's really not that bad. It's more entertaining than Kick-Ass (though not even Chris Evans can match up with Hit-Girl) and knows what kind of movie it should be. Not a movie you have to see, certainly not in theaters, but don't dodge it. It's perfectly fine.

Grade: B-

Best Scene: Chris Evans in the office building...

Henry Saw: The Square

When's the last time you saw a movie that you knew absolutely nothing about...?


When I walked into the theater to see The Square I realized that I had no idea what I was in for. I knew it was Australian, and was a crime movie in the vein of The Coen Brothers' Blood Simple, but that was it. It's a rare thing these days to go into a movie not being aware of anything about it. Because this film was Australian I did not know any of the actors, or the director, or any of the conventions of Australian cinema. In this regard it was similar to when I saw Let the Right One In, a Swedish movie, that I also had no preconceived notions about. Let the Right One In ended up being my favorite movie of 2008, and one of my favorite films of all time, and I know that the mystery of the film added to how much I enjoyed that first viewing.

The Square isn't as good as Let the Right One In, but it's pretty damn great, and I believe that the surprises of the film are a big part of what made it so enjoyable. So this review will not be heavy on plot description or spoilers...I just want to stress that this is definitely a movie worth seeing...and I can't wait for the DVD so I can show this movie to all my friends.

At the "screening" I went to at the Landmark Sunshine theater the show started with a short film called "Spider". At first I was very confused, I was there to see a movie called "The Square", and it wasn't until 3/4's into The Square (which followed "Spider") that I understood why the show started with a seemingly unrelated short film.

"Spider" is just about my favorite short film I've ever seen. I could describe it...but let's just go ahead and post it:



The tone established in "Spider" is important to carry over into The Square. There's an obvious grit and reality to the film...but you have to be able to laugh at how grim and ridiculous things get. The Square follows a married man named Ray (David Roberts) who is having an affair with a younger married woman. The woman, named Carla (played by the beautiful Claire van der Boom), finds out that her controlling husband Billy (Joel Edgerton) is hiding a large amount of cash from her. Carla tells Ray that this is their chance; she says they have to steal the money and run off together. What follows is a crime/noir/dark comedy where Ray and Carla make almost every mistake possible and we see what happens when two normal people try to pull off a series of perfect crimes. Here's a hint...it doesn't go that well.

That's all I'm going to say, I want to keep some of the film a surprise for you, but I can tell you that the plot is filled with twists that never felt cheap. The movie, in another echo of the Coen Brothers, was written and directed by brothers Nash and Joel Edgerton. It is their first feature film and it is an impressive and confident debut. Despite not having flashy camera work, or standout cinematography, The Square is clearly the work of a pair of auteurs.



The acting is strong, no standouts but solid throughout, and it is really the script that shines. It walks such a fine line of deadly seriousness, and classic dark humor, that you could call Joel Edgerton a cinematic wire walker. It's not the most original plot ever devised but it is the zigs the film takes, and the multiple layers that can be found in the movie's themes and characters, that make it a wholly original work.

Finally...the movie is just fun. No matter how stark and grimey the plot gets...it's just an incredibly enjoyable time at the cinema. It's been awhile since I felt like an entire audience was so invested in the movie. We all jumped, gasped, and guffawed at the same time. It was a great night at the movies.

Highly recommended. Even if you don't get a chance to catch The Square in theaters, seek it out on DVD, but try to watch it with someone. It's a movie you will want to experience, and then talk about, with someone. And remember...try not to take it too seriously.

Grade: A-

Best Scene: The second murder...when you realize just how bad a criminal Ray is...

Henry Saw: The Human Centipede

So this exists...


I decided the best way to express my reaction to this movie would be to narrate the film, via gchat, to one of my friends. What follows is the transcript of my experience. I spoil the movie but I doubt any of you planned on seeing this...thing.

Also, be warned, there is some cursing in the following text...okay a lot of cursing...

me: watching one of the sickest movies i've ever seen
interesting way to start the day
XXXXX: hahahaha
what was it?
me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_%28First_Sequence%29
10:22 AM a mad german scientist connects three people mouth to anus
creating a human centipede
XXXXX: ew!!!
why would you watch that in the morning?
10:23 AM me: as good a time as any
before ive eaten anything...
10:24 AM XXXXX: hahahahaha
i'm watching the trailer
10:26 AM that is the most disturbing trailer i have ever seen
you're sick
me: yeah thought you'd like that one
Ben made me promise to watch it when he was not home
10:27 AM XXXXX: HAHAHAHAHAHA
me: he didn't even want to be sequestered to his room
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
me: much less spotting a scene
so that's another reason to get this done now
XXXXX: hahaha
wow
that movie
looks
CRAZY
me: some Japanese dude just pooped in a girls mouth
he's very mad
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
10:28 AM are you watching it right now?
me: oh yeah
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
me: I should have kept a journal of the film
and used that as my review
damn
stupid mistake
XXXXX: hahahaha
me: maybe I'll rewatch it and do just that
10:31 AM XXXXX: use gchat
do it from this point on
and then you wont have to rewatch the entire movie
me: no gonna start over
it's only 90 minutes
XXXXX: ohhh
10:32 AM me: k gonna do this now



The Human Centipede:

10:34 AM me: "Staring Dieter Laser...amazing name for a scary German actor to have"
Director of photography: Goof De Koning....also a great name
10:35 AM Written and Directed by Tom Six....this is the best named movie of all time
Ha....the evil German drives Mercedes. Like in real life
10:36 AM oh...photograph of a 3 Rottweiler centipede
I wonder how they got the dogs to do that
10:37 AM Sweaty trucker pulls over to pee and Dieter Laster follows him into the bushes with a gun
good to know that happens everywhere and not just on the Mass Pike
Oh, I was wrong, the trucker is taking a shit
Dieter still shoots him
Cut to a hotel - here are our heroines
10:38 AM One is fairly unattractive...the other is...unattractive
that's not fair Tom Six - if you're gonna make us sit through this you need to make them hot
OH! Guess what?! They're annoying, and horny, and really stupid
how original
10:39 AM Haha, look at the stupid girl try to use a map...
she can't because she's american and stupid
Driving to a club to get stuffed by some waiter they met...cause they're horny Americans
but they're lost in bum-fuck Germany
OH NOES! They got a flat tire
10:40 AM and its dark out
They're in Danger girl
They're gonna call the rental car service
service
everything will be fine
10:41 AM THERE'S NO SIGNAL!
THERE'S NO SIGNAL!
"OH MY GOD SHIT"
They're discussing what they should do.
10:42 AM One wants to walk and find someone and one wants to stay in the car until the sun comes up
they should stay in the car
Oh a car is pulling up
It's not dieter...it's a gross fat German man
10:43 AM he doesn't sprechen Englisch
"I know you girls. I've got a horny video of you at home"
10:44 AM "You're always wet between your legs, huh"
"I'll fuck you hard and good, would you like that"
this guy is a charmer
They don't Sprechen German but they get that he's weird
the roll up their window and lock the door but he won't go away....And he's licking the window of the car
that's good
10:45 AM He's driving away
it's all okay now
They decide to leave the car and walk and find someone
super bad idea...
10:46 AM They're lost in the woods...why in the world wouldn't they walk along the road?
Why are they in the woods
this movie is so fucking dumb
They're fighting about leaving the car...these two girls are terrible actresses
"We are not a little lost...we are really lost"
10:47 AM Awesome dialogue
I guess when your script involves going ass to mouth...you're not gonna get the best talent
Maybe Tom Six asked Helen Mirren and Merryl Streep if they were interested and they passed
10:48 AM THEY FOUND A HOUSE!
It looks like the Bates Motel kinda...
but modern
oh and its raining like in Psycho...alllllllllusions
10:49 AM And here comes Dieter to answer the door...he looks them up and down...asks if they're alone. They are. Dieter Laster is happy
He ominously locks the door
10:50 AM They sit in his living room.
They're from New York
(probably Long Island)
"Are you relatives" he asks...not sure why that would matter for his plot
10:51 AM He offers to call emergency car service and get them water
They're a little weirded out by his wall art which is all of Siamese twins
OH HE'S NOT REALLY CALLING BUT HE'S MAKING IT LOOK LIKE HE'S CALLING
He must be eeeeeeevil
10:52 AM and he's putting something into their drink!
what a dick!
At least they won't remember what happens in the morning...
10:53 AM Awkward silence as they drink the date rape water
OH ONE OF THEM SPILLED IT
he yelled at her in German
he's so mean
He goes to get a towel, they're weirded out) and want to go
10:54 AM He goes down to the cellar (I wonder if he has a basement wife)
nope, just that fat trucker strapped to a gurney
they decide to call a cab. he's preparing something in a syringe
10:55 AM And the one who drank the water has passed out
"I'm tired...I'm tired"
"THE RAPE DRUG! RHAHYPNAL!"
He's so excited
10:56 AM The other girl, who just had a little bit, is trying to crawl away but can't. He picks her up by her hair and injects her in the back of the neck. He makes a face like he just took a fantastic dump
It's daytime now
10:57 AM He's enjoying breakfast
The girls are waking up and are tied to hospital beads
10:58 AM The trucker is there too
they're all screaming and saying Oh My God
kind of annoying
Dieter comes down, in scrubs (very comfortable)
10:59 AM He tells the trucker he's not a match. He has to die
Good, I didn't wanna see anyone's mouth near this trucker's ass
"Don't Take it Personally" - Dieter Laster is all about business
11:00 AM Injected the trucker with some stuff, he dies, Dieter looks sad....or frustrated...something german
11:01 AM buries Trucker and kidnaps someone new
Comes down to cellar in a shirt and tie
he's really really happy
11:02 AM New guy is Japanese. Wakes up all three
Japanese guy is pissed off
He yells a lot
lots of guttural screaming
11:03 AM Did you know that "The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner"
11:04 AM Would anyone, when strapped to a gurney in a creepy german's basement, actually say that?
OH, Dieter Laser is using a over-head projector to explain his idea
how old-school
has he heard of power point?
11:06 AM Hey - the creepy German doctor who is obsessed with twins is named Joseph Heiter...it's like another famous german doctor who was obsessed with twins

The Leading surgeon in separating siamese twins
Oh and the Japanese guy called him a nazi
because that wasn't clear
I designed an interesting operation - not separating anymore but creating
oh, he did it to three dogs first
that makes sense...wouldn't wanna just leap into a human centipede
he's like nasa...use dogs first
smart man
11:07 AM He cuts the knees so extension is not possible
then he takes out the teeth and incisors
then he cuts the anus and mouth in circles
11:08 AM he creates little horn like skin bits in the ass which he then connects into the mouth of the other person
so the mouth and butt are connected
"CREATING A SIAMESE TRIPLET"
11:09 AM INJESTION BY A - PASSING THROUGH B - AND EXCRETION OF C
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!
He said the name of the movie
Japanese man screams again
He injects the Japanese man with a sedative
the japanese man makes a funny sound
then falls asleep



11:10 AM The girls are crying...injects one...while he's busy doing that the other one uses her teeth to undo the straps
...
11:12 AM why didn't she do that before? When Dieter Laser Mengele wasn't in the room
AND SHE'S FREE!
She's making a run for it but ripped out her IV so she's bleeding
wouldn't be that painful. bad actress oversells it
11:13 AM She's locked in...there's no escape
she can't find...THE FRONT DOOR
And he's slowly coming after her like Michael Myers
She asks him why he is doing this..."YOU NEED HELP. YOU'RE A SICK MAN"
"I'M A SICK MAN!" God he takes so much joy in his life
11:15 And he's coming through the window
He appears to have bullet proof glass windows but he gets in
then she runs into his pool like a doofus
11:16 AM she's in the pool, he has his dart gun
I bet he wins
This scene is boring
11:17 AM she keeps going under and he keeps not having a great shot
or maybe he's toying with her
either way
boring
11:18 AM "One of my rottweilers also tried to escape...he had to take the middle position...the pain is twice as intense....you will regret your little escape...because now...I KNOW DEFINITELY....YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!"
"GAME....OVER"
He's evil German Bill Paxton
or Raul Julia
depending on your movie reference of choice
11:19 AM And he got her
that was a useless 14 minutes or so
me: Jumped the gun on him catching her, she escaped again
she's trying to drag her knocked out friend up the spiral staircase out of the cellar
this could be funny
OH AND THEY CUT TO HER UP THE STAIRS!
CHEATERS!
11:27 AM Her friend must be fat because she can't carry her
just dragging her along
They're outside
they went out the window that Dieter broke
It's raining...rains a lot in Germany
AND SHE WAS SHOT BY A DART
11:28 AM She's gonna fall out of frame and Dieter will be standing there
YES!
I WAS RIGHT!
He's in a scary white lab coat
cause he's eeeeeeeeevil
11:29 AM We see he has a gravestone marked "My Sweet 3 Dog"
AWWWWWW
He's in surgical garb now
about to go to work on all three
11:30 AM Oh this movie is so tasteful...it doesn't show us the actual cuts and surgery. How artfully done
Oh, but they do show us him pulling out the middle girl's teeth
teeth
don't want her biting that anus
considerate Dieter
11:31 AM Oh, now they are showing us him cutting up a girls anus
that's good
he looks...aroused and tired
I feel the exact same way
11:32 AM Brief montage of him sitting near his sweet 3 dog tombstone
the patients are sleeping under a surgical sheet
he has his window fixed
pours himself a drink
11:33 AM and I think it's time for the reveal
YES!
They're knees are bandaged (can't have them walking) they're in Sumo Wrestler like underwear, and they're lying down unconscious



"MY SWEET CENTIPEDE"
11:34 AM He's waking them up
they're gonna be really mad
He's waking the Japanese man
"MY LEAD...MY LEAD"
Oh the japanese man is in a lot of pain
he has a girls mouth attached to his anus
11:35 AM and they're all awake
and they're on all fours
and DIETER IS AS HAPPY AS A LITTLE GIRL
"I DID IT"
The Japanese man asks Dieter, who is taking pictures, if he thinks he's god
11:36 AM the girls can't talk, they're mouths are sown on to someone else's anus" but they're crying a lot
and The Japanese man is crying too, and snotty, and wants it to stop. Dieter shows them a mirror...it seems to upset them
No idea why
Dieter is crying with joy...he's such a happy man
11:37 AM he kisses himself in the mirror like Arod
I wonder if Arod would like this movie
He keeps them in a cage in the living room
Japanese man is yelling a lot
Japanese is close to german in terms of the best language to be ANGRY in
11:38 AM the girls hold hands...touching...
11:39 AM Oh and the middle girl holds the japanese man's hand. It's like the a sick version of Gung Ho - that Michael Keaton movie where he makes friends with a Japanese man
11:40 AM Now they're out in the garden. Dieter is looking...badass in his lab coat and dark glasses
he wants the Japanese man to put a newspaper in his mouth and bring it to him
he's treating them like they're a dog
11:41 AM Shots of the three of them in a wide angle is...disturbing
now he's training them to walk (I guess it's important that the Japanese man does not speak german or english)
Interior shot, dining room, he's feeding the japanese man in a dog bowl
11:42 AM The Japanese man sees an opportunity and bites Dieter's foot. Dieter knocks him the fuck out
bad move Japanese man
the girls continue to cry and moan
I bet they're parents are super duper proud of their daughters in this movie
...Dieter calls the Japanese man a Kamikaze shithole
11:43 AM Is this one big World War 2 allegory?
No
11:48 AM me: Back in the garden...Dieter is wearing thick boots
wants the japanese man to bite him
11:49 AM calls him Mr. Kamikaze again
what a dick
Japanese man has to shit
He's so sorry
begs forgiveness
middle girl is not happy to get a mouth full of shit
11:50 AM "FEED HER! SWALLOW IT BITCH! SWALLOW! FEEEEEED HEEEER. FEED HEEEEEEEER"
Their parents must be so proud
Japanese man is crying in the cage
Dieter is annoyed, they're too loud and whiny (I agree with Laser) and he can't sleep
11:51 AM he threatens to cut out the vocal cords...Japanese man doesn't speak enlgish but he gets the message
11:52 AM Dieter is taking a swim while they are tied to a deck chair by the pool. Japanese man undoes the strap with his teeth and they try to escape. Dieter notices. and whips them off screen. Again...how tastefully done
11:53 AM Dieter does an exam...The Japanese man has a strong heart...the middle girl is constipated...she needs ducalax....
the "tail" is...very sick
11:54 AM the surgery didn't agree with her and she's filled with putrid puss
she's gotta go
Door bell rings...who could it be?!
11:55 AM It's the police!
Oh no!
What will Dieter Do?

11:56 AM The cops are here and have awesome leather jackets
both are older, grey haired men
one kinda looks like Josh Brolin's fat old father
Japanese Man is yelling but they can't hear him...the cellar is sound proof or something
11:57 AM the cops sit on the same couch the girls sat in in the living room
The cops tell Dieter that people are missing, the vehicle was found in the neighborhood
11:58 AM Dieter says he knows nothing and never left the house. One cop asks for coffee, Dieter says he has "NO TIME FOR COFFEE" (awesome) and goes to get them water
we know what that means!
RAPE DRUG!
YES! He puts some in both their glasses.
Japanese man is still yelling
11:59 AM They continue to question him...they ask him about the cage he has in his kitchen
a fair question
a witness heard screaming in his yard
he denies it and then freaks out
12:00 PM He's yelling in German. Or talking reasonably...who could tell with that language
He's desperate for one of the cops to drink the rape water
12:01 PM the cop knocks it out of his hand...he's knows things are bizarre here...Dieter swears to make him pay. but then he finds himself and says he has to go get a towel
But we know he's gonna go get a syringe and knock these two cops out!
GO DIETER!
12:02 PM He taunts the centipede by telling them he has two healthy replacements
says he's gonna kill the last girl (who is dying) and that they front two should prepare for a new operation
"A QUADRUPLET"
12:03 PM Japanese man notices that Dieter left a scalpel within reach
Lame suspense as to whether he can reach it
he does
hoo-ha
12:04 PM One cop wants to know what is in the cellar, "WHAT COULD BE IN THERE? MY LABORATORY? A SMALL WORKROOM? A TORTURE CHAMBER?"
...
I think this is all about basement wives...
12:06 PM Cop wants to look around, Dieter won't let them, cop says he'll get a warrant, Dieter accidentally drops syringe, says its insulin, Cops reiterate they will get a warrant, Dieter says it will be a waste of tax payer's money, cops leave to get a warrant.
12:10 PM Dieter is worried, runs down to cellar....BUT THEY"RE GONE!
Where did his centipede go?


...

AROUND THE CORNER of the hallway!
Japanese man stabs Dieter in the foot and knee and then bites a chunk out of his neck
gross
12:11 PM Now the centipede wants to go up the stairs...but it's a spiral stair case...this is gonna suck for them
...Why didn't he take the scalpel and slice Dieter's neck?
Dieter is still alive
same old horror movie BS...no one ever kills the villain when they have the chance

And they're going up the stairs
that wasn't so bad. OH NO! DIETER IS CRAWLING UP AFTER THEM!
Dieter licks up the blood on the stairs
that's good
12:21 PM Middle girl is guiding him
They go into the room she locked herself in, she wants to go to the window, but OH NO! He replaced the window!
They're fucked



AND DIETER IS COMING!
12:22 PM JAPANESE MAN hits the glass with a lamp
but it doesn't break
they're fucked
12:23 PM Dieter: "eye for eye...tooth for tooth"
Japanese man and Dieter face each other
gonna be a bizarre fight of a wounded german and centipede man?
no...Japanese man starts laughing
12:24 PM "God. Are you God? I'm just a puny insect"
he's lost it
He thinks he's being punished by god
he was a bad dad and a shitty child to his parents
Yeah he's gonna kill himself
12:25 PM ....He kills himself. slits his throat
the girls are now stuck...the head is dead. they can't go anywhere
12:26 PM The cops are back...Dieter can't walk because he's been stabbed in the knee. He crawls out but closes the door of the room that the centipede is in
12:27 PM Dieter crawls to the pool room while the two detectives enter the house...
12:28 PM One cop finds the cellar
is creeped out
another passes out due to the water
12:29 PM and then dieter shoots him
12:33 PM More sober cop finds the centipede with dead japanese man
he runs out of room
cause...that makes sense
I guess he's freaked out for some reason
12:34 PM runs to pool room, sees partner dead in water
instead of looking for the shooter (Dieter sitting in the corner) he checks on his partner
Dieter shoots him twice, cop shoots dieter square in the head (how come everytime someone gets shot in the head it is perfectly down the middle?)
12:35 PM What will the girls do? Everyone is dead, Japanese man is dead....and they're stitched onto him
Oh no...one of them is gonna try to tear herself off?
No
nope
the tail girl died
the middle one is super stuck
12:36 PM She's crying...I can sympathize...she's in a bad spot
And that's the way the movie ends
Oh good
12:37 PM Middle girl is...really screwed

So final thoughts on the movie:

Not terrible. Not good. Hardly the most shocking thing I've ever seen. Salo and Antichrist were far more disturbing. This was just...cheap. Dieter Laser was awesome, and kudos to the Japanese guy for being so good at yelling...but this was a useless piece of "shock" cinema. Meh.

C-