Henry Saw: The Human Centipede

So this exists...


I decided the best way to express my reaction to this movie would be to narrate the film, via gchat, to one of my friends. What follows is the transcript of my experience. I spoil the movie but I doubt any of you planned on seeing this...thing.

Also, be warned, there is some cursing in the following text...okay a lot of cursing...

me: watching one of the sickest movies i've ever seen
interesting way to start the day
XXXXX: hahahaha
what was it?
me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_%28First_Sequence%29
10:22 AM a mad german scientist connects three people mouth to anus
creating a human centipede
XXXXX: ew!!!
why would you watch that in the morning?
10:23 AM me: as good a time as any
before ive eaten anything...
10:24 AM XXXXX: hahahahaha
i'm watching the trailer
10:26 AM that is the most disturbing trailer i have ever seen
you're sick
me: yeah thought you'd like that one
Ben made me promise to watch it when he was not home
10:27 AM XXXXX: HAHAHAHAHAHA
me: he didn't even want to be sequestered to his room
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
me: much less spotting a scene
so that's another reason to get this done now
XXXXX: hahaha
wow
that movie
looks
CRAZY
me: some Japanese dude just pooped in a girls mouth
he's very mad
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
10:28 AM are you watching it right now?
me: oh yeah
XXXXX: hahahaahahaha
me: I should have kept a journal of the film
and used that as my review
damn
stupid mistake
XXXXX: hahahaha
me: maybe I'll rewatch it and do just that
10:31 AM XXXXX: use gchat
do it from this point on
and then you wont have to rewatch the entire movie
me: no gonna start over
it's only 90 minutes
XXXXX: ohhh
10:32 AM me: k gonna do this now



The Human Centipede:

10:34 AM me: "Staring Dieter Laser...amazing name for a scary German actor to have"
Director of photography: Goof De Koning....also a great name
10:35 AM Written and Directed by Tom Six....this is the best named movie of all time
Ha....the evil German drives Mercedes. Like in real life
10:36 AM oh...photograph of a 3 Rottweiler centipede
I wonder how they got the dogs to do that
10:37 AM Sweaty trucker pulls over to pee and Dieter Laster follows him into the bushes with a gun
good to know that happens everywhere and not just on the Mass Pike
Oh, I was wrong, the trucker is taking a shit
Dieter still shoots him
Cut to a hotel - here are our heroines
10:38 AM One is fairly unattractive...the other is...unattractive
that's not fair Tom Six - if you're gonna make us sit through this you need to make them hot
OH! Guess what?! They're annoying, and horny, and really stupid
how original
10:39 AM Haha, look at the stupid girl try to use a map...
she can't because she's american and stupid
Driving to a club to get stuffed by some waiter they met...cause they're horny Americans
but they're lost in bum-fuck Germany
OH NOES! They got a flat tire
10:40 AM and its dark out
They're in Danger girl
They're gonna call the rental car service
service
everything will be fine
10:41 AM THERE'S NO SIGNAL!
THERE'S NO SIGNAL!
"OH MY GOD SHIT"
They're discussing what they should do.
10:42 AM One wants to walk and find someone and one wants to stay in the car until the sun comes up
they should stay in the car
Oh a car is pulling up
It's not dieter...it's a gross fat German man
10:43 AM he doesn't sprechen Englisch
"I know you girls. I've got a horny video of you at home"
10:44 AM "You're always wet between your legs, huh"
"I'll fuck you hard and good, would you like that"
this guy is a charmer
They don't Sprechen German but they get that he's weird
the roll up their window and lock the door but he won't go away....And he's licking the window of the car
that's good
10:45 AM He's driving away
it's all okay now
They decide to leave the car and walk and find someone
super bad idea...
10:46 AM They're lost in the woods...why in the world wouldn't they walk along the road?
Why are they in the woods
this movie is so fucking dumb
They're fighting about leaving the car...these two girls are terrible actresses
"We are not a little lost...we are really lost"
10:47 AM Awesome dialogue
I guess when your script involves going ass to mouth...you're not gonna get the best talent
Maybe Tom Six asked Helen Mirren and Merryl Streep if they were interested and they passed
10:48 AM THEY FOUND A HOUSE!
It looks like the Bates Motel kinda...
but modern
oh and its raining like in Psycho...alllllllllusions
10:49 AM And here comes Dieter to answer the door...he looks them up and down...asks if they're alone. They are. Dieter Laster is happy
He ominously locks the door
10:50 AM They sit in his living room.
They're from New York
(probably Long Island)
"Are you relatives" he asks...not sure why that would matter for his plot
10:51 AM He offers to call emergency car service and get them water
They're a little weirded out by his wall art which is all of Siamese twins
OH HE'S NOT REALLY CALLING BUT HE'S MAKING IT LOOK LIKE HE'S CALLING
He must be eeeeeeevil
10:52 AM and he's putting something into their drink!
what a dick!
At least they won't remember what happens in the morning...
10:53 AM Awkward silence as they drink the date rape water
OH ONE OF THEM SPILLED IT
he yelled at her in German
he's so mean
He goes to get a towel, they're weirded out) and want to go
10:54 AM He goes down to the cellar (I wonder if he has a basement wife)
nope, just that fat trucker strapped to a gurney
they decide to call a cab. he's preparing something in a syringe
10:55 AM And the one who drank the water has passed out
"I'm tired...I'm tired"
"THE RAPE DRUG! RHAHYPNAL!"
He's so excited
10:56 AM The other girl, who just had a little bit, is trying to crawl away but can't. He picks her up by her hair and injects her in the back of the neck. He makes a face like he just took a fantastic dump
It's daytime now
10:57 AM He's enjoying breakfast
The girls are waking up and are tied to hospital beads
10:58 AM The trucker is there too
they're all screaming and saying Oh My God
kind of annoying
Dieter comes down, in scrubs (very comfortable)
10:59 AM He tells the trucker he's not a match. He has to die
Good, I didn't wanna see anyone's mouth near this trucker's ass
"Don't Take it Personally" - Dieter Laster is all about business
11:00 AM Injected the trucker with some stuff, he dies, Dieter looks sad....or frustrated...something german
11:01 AM buries Trucker and kidnaps someone new
Comes down to cellar in a shirt and tie
he's really really happy
11:02 AM New guy is Japanese. Wakes up all three
Japanese guy is pissed off
He yells a lot
lots of guttural screaming
11:03 AM Did you know that "The Japanese possess unbelievable strength when backed into a corner"
11:04 AM Would anyone, when strapped to a gurney in a creepy german's basement, actually say that?
OH, Dieter Laser is using a over-head projector to explain his idea
how old-school
has he heard of power point?
11:06 AM Hey - the creepy German doctor who is obsessed with twins is named Joseph Heiter...it's like another famous german doctor who was obsessed with twins

The Leading surgeon in separating siamese twins
Oh and the Japanese guy called him a nazi
because that wasn't clear
I designed an interesting operation - not separating anymore but creating
oh, he did it to three dogs first
that makes sense...wouldn't wanna just leap into a human centipede
he's like nasa...use dogs first
smart man
11:07 AM He cuts the knees so extension is not possible
then he takes out the teeth and incisors
then he cuts the anus and mouth in circles
11:08 AM he creates little horn like skin bits in the ass which he then connects into the mouth of the other person
so the mouth and butt are connected
"CREATING A SIAMESE TRIPLET"
11:09 AM INJESTION BY A - PASSING THROUGH B - AND EXCRETION OF C
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!
He said the name of the movie
Japanese man screams again
He injects the Japanese man with a sedative
the japanese man makes a funny sound
then falls asleep



11:10 AM The girls are crying...injects one...while he's busy doing that the other one uses her teeth to undo the straps
...
11:12 AM why didn't she do that before? When Dieter Laser Mengele wasn't in the room
AND SHE'S FREE!
She's making a run for it but ripped out her IV so she's bleeding
wouldn't be that painful. bad actress oversells it
11:13 AM She's locked in...there's no escape
she can't find...THE FRONT DOOR
And he's slowly coming after her like Michael Myers
She asks him why he is doing this..."YOU NEED HELP. YOU'RE A SICK MAN"
"I'M A SICK MAN!" God he takes so much joy in his life
11:15 And he's coming through the window
He appears to have bullet proof glass windows but he gets in
then she runs into his pool like a doofus
11:16 AM she's in the pool, he has his dart gun
I bet he wins
This scene is boring
11:17 AM she keeps going under and he keeps not having a great shot
or maybe he's toying with her
either way
boring
11:18 AM "One of my rottweilers also tried to escape...he had to take the middle position...the pain is twice as intense....you will regret your little escape...because now...I KNOW DEFINITELY....YOU ARE THE MIDDLE PIECE!"
"GAME....OVER"
He's evil German Bill Paxton
or Raul Julia
depending on your movie reference of choice
11:19 AM And he got her
that was a useless 14 minutes or so
me: Jumped the gun on him catching her, she escaped again
she's trying to drag her knocked out friend up the spiral staircase out of the cellar
this could be funny
OH AND THEY CUT TO HER UP THE STAIRS!
CHEATERS!
11:27 AM Her friend must be fat because she can't carry her
just dragging her along
They're outside
they went out the window that Dieter broke
It's raining...rains a lot in Germany
AND SHE WAS SHOT BY A DART
11:28 AM She's gonna fall out of frame and Dieter will be standing there
YES!
I WAS RIGHT!
He's in a scary white lab coat
cause he's eeeeeeeeevil
11:29 AM We see he has a gravestone marked "My Sweet 3 Dog"
AWWWWWW
He's in surgical garb now
about to go to work on all three
11:30 AM Oh this movie is so tasteful...it doesn't show us the actual cuts and surgery. How artfully done
Oh, but they do show us him pulling out the middle girl's teeth
teeth
don't want her biting that anus
considerate Dieter
11:31 AM Oh, now they are showing us him cutting up a girls anus
that's good
he looks...aroused and tired
I feel the exact same way
11:32 AM Brief montage of him sitting near his sweet 3 dog tombstone
the patients are sleeping under a surgical sheet
he has his window fixed
pours himself a drink
11:33 AM and I think it's time for the reveal
YES!
They're knees are bandaged (can't have them walking) they're in Sumo Wrestler like underwear, and they're lying down unconscious



"MY SWEET CENTIPEDE"
11:34 AM He's waking them up
they're gonna be really mad
He's waking the Japanese man
"MY LEAD...MY LEAD"
Oh the japanese man is in a lot of pain
he has a girls mouth attached to his anus
11:35 AM and they're all awake
and they're on all fours
and DIETER IS AS HAPPY AS A LITTLE GIRL
"I DID IT"
The Japanese man asks Dieter, who is taking pictures, if he thinks he's god
11:36 AM the girls can't talk, they're mouths are sown on to someone else's anus" but they're crying a lot
and The Japanese man is crying too, and snotty, and wants it to stop. Dieter shows them a mirror...it seems to upset them
No idea why
Dieter is crying with joy...he's such a happy man
11:37 AM he kisses himself in the mirror like Arod
I wonder if Arod would like this movie
He keeps them in a cage in the living room
Japanese man is yelling a lot
Japanese is close to german in terms of the best language to be ANGRY in
11:38 AM the girls hold hands...touching...
11:39 AM Oh and the middle girl holds the japanese man's hand. It's like the a sick version of Gung Ho - that Michael Keaton movie where he makes friends with a Japanese man
11:40 AM Now they're out in the garden. Dieter is looking...badass in his lab coat and dark glasses
he wants the Japanese man to put a newspaper in his mouth and bring it to him
he's treating them like they're a dog
11:41 AM Shots of the three of them in a wide angle is...disturbing
now he's training them to walk (I guess it's important that the Japanese man does not speak german or english)
Interior shot, dining room, he's feeding the japanese man in a dog bowl
11:42 AM The Japanese man sees an opportunity and bites Dieter's foot. Dieter knocks him the fuck out
bad move Japanese man
the girls continue to cry and moan
I bet they're parents are super duper proud of their daughters in this movie
...Dieter calls the Japanese man a Kamikaze shithole
11:43 AM Is this one big World War 2 allegory?
No
11:48 AM me: Back in the garden...Dieter is wearing thick boots
wants the japanese man to bite him
11:49 AM calls him Mr. Kamikaze again
what a dick
Japanese man has to shit
He's so sorry
begs forgiveness
middle girl is not happy to get a mouth full of shit
11:50 AM "FEED HER! SWALLOW IT BITCH! SWALLOW! FEEEEEED HEEEER. FEED HEEEEEEEER"
Their parents must be so proud
Japanese man is crying in the cage
Dieter is annoyed, they're too loud and whiny (I agree with Laser) and he can't sleep
11:51 AM he threatens to cut out the vocal cords...Japanese man doesn't speak enlgish but he gets the message
11:52 AM Dieter is taking a swim while they are tied to a deck chair by the pool. Japanese man undoes the strap with his teeth and they try to escape. Dieter notices. and whips them off screen. Again...how tastefully done
11:53 AM Dieter does an exam...The Japanese man has a strong heart...the middle girl is constipated...she needs ducalax....
the "tail" is...very sick
11:54 AM the surgery didn't agree with her and she's filled with putrid puss
she's gotta go
Door bell rings...who could it be?!
11:55 AM It's the police!
Oh no!
What will Dieter Do?

11:56 AM The cops are here and have awesome leather jackets
both are older, grey haired men
one kinda looks like Josh Brolin's fat old father
Japanese Man is yelling but they can't hear him...the cellar is sound proof or something
11:57 AM the cops sit on the same couch the girls sat in in the living room
The cops tell Dieter that people are missing, the vehicle was found in the neighborhood
11:58 AM Dieter says he knows nothing and never left the house. One cop asks for coffee, Dieter says he has "NO TIME FOR COFFEE" (awesome) and goes to get them water
we know what that means!
RAPE DRUG!
YES! He puts some in both their glasses.
Japanese man is still yelling
11:59 AM They continue to question him...they ask him about the cage he has in his kitchen
a fair question
a witness heard screaming in his yard
he denies it and then freaks out
12:00 PM He's yelling in German. Or talking reasonably...who could tell with that language
He's desperate for one of the cops to drink the rape water
12:01 PM the cop knocks it out of his hand...he's knows things are bizarre here...Dieter swears to make him pay. but then he finds himself and says he has to go get a towel
But we know he's gonna go get a syringe and knock these two cops out!
GO DIETER!
12:02 PM He taunts the centipede by telling them he has two healthy replacements
says he's gonna kill the last girl (who is dying) and that they front two should prepare for a new operation
"A QUADRUPLET"
12:03 PM Japanese man notices that Dieter left a scalpel within reach
Lame suspense as to whether he can reach it
he does
hoo-ha
12:04 PM One cop wants to know what is in the cellar, "WHAT COULD BE IN THERE? MY LABORATORY? A SMALL WORKROOM? A TORTURE CHAMBER?"
...
I think this is all about basement wives...
12:06 PM Cop wants to look around, Dieter won't let them, cop says he'll get a warrant, Dieter accidentally drops syringe, says its insulin, Cops reiterate they will get a warrant, Dieter says it will be a waste of tax payer's money, cops leave to get a warrant.
12:10 PM Dieter is worried, runs down to cellar....BUT THEY"RE GONE!
Where did his centipede go?


...

AROUND THE CORNER of the hallway!
Japanese man stabs Dieter in the foot and knee and then bites a chunk out of his neck
gross
12:11 PM Now the centipede wants to go up the stairs...but it's a spiral stair case...this is gonna suck for them
...Why didn't he take the scalpel and slice Dieter's neck?
Dieter is still alive
same old horror movie BS...no one ever kills the villain when they have the chance

And they're going up the stairs
that wasn't so bad. OH NO! DIETER IS CRAWLING UP AFTER THEM!
Dieter licks up the blood on the stairs
that's good
12:21 PM Middle girl is guiding him
They go into the room she locked herself in, she wants to go to the window, but OH NO! He replaced the window!
They're fucked



AND DIETER IS COMING!
12:22 PM JAPANESE MAN hits the glass with a lamp
but it doesn't break
they're fucked
12:23 PM Dieter: "eye for eye...tooth for tooth"
Japanese man and Dieter face each other
gonna be a bizarre fight of a wounded german and centipede man?
no...Japanese man starts laughing
12:24 PM "God. Are you God? I'm just a puny insect"
he's lost it
He thinks he's being punished by god
he was a bad dad and a shitty child to his parents
Yeah he's gonna kill himself
12:25 PM ....He kills himself. slits his throat
the girls are now stuck...the head is dead. they can't go anywhere
12:26 PM The cops are back...Dieter can't walk because he's been stabbed in the knee. He crawls out but closes the door of the room that the centipede is in
12:27 PM Dieter crawls to the pool room while the two detectives enter the house...
12:28 PM One cop finds the cellar
is creeped out
another passes out due to the water
12:29 PM and then dieter shoots him
12:33 PM More sober cop finds the centipede with dead japanese man
he runs out of room
cause...that makes sense
I guess he's freaked out for some reason
12:34 PM runs to pool room, sees partner dead in water
instead of looking for the shooter (Dieter sitting in the corner) he checks on his partner
Dieter shoots him twice, cop shoots dieter square in the head (how come everytime someone gets shot in the head it is perfectly down the middle?)
12:35 PM What will the girls do? Everyone is dead, Japanese man is dead....and they're stitched onto him
Oh no...one of them is gonna try to tear herself off?
No
nope
the tail girl died
the middle one is super stuck
12:36 PM She's crying...I can sympathize...she's in a bad spot
And that's the way the movie ends
Oh good
12:37 PM Middle girl is...really screwed

So final thoughts on the movie:

Not terrible. Not good. Hardly the most shocking thing I've ever seen. Salo and Antichrist were far more disturbing. This was just...cheap. Dieter Laser was awesome, and kudos to the Japanese guy for being so good at yelling...but this was a useless piece of "shock" cinema. Meh.

C-