Henry Saw: Watchmen

Hurm...


So...I really don't know where to begin. No clue.

I could talk about Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's graphic novel Watchmen; the graphic novel. About how it is a very complex, tightly constructed, impeccably drawn, highly re-readable, disappointing masterpiece. But this isn't a comics blog.

And I could write about the long journey Watchmen had to make it to the big screen. 24 years in the making, Terry Gilliam, Paul Greengrass and Darren Aronofsky all threw their hat in the ring and came out thinking the comic was "unfilmable" as its author Alan Moore has said. But this isn't a rumors blog.

This is a movie review site.... So what did I think of Zach Snyder's Watchmen?

...Not so much.

Watchmen, to try and summarize the plot, is about a group of costumed adventurers who were forced into retirement into the late 70's. In 1985, with the threat of nuclear war with Russia as a backdrop, one of the heroes gets killed in his apartment. The most paranoid of the "heroes", Rorschach, becomes convinced that there is a "mask-killer" and tries to get the other former heroes to help him solve the mystery.

I think that basically sums it up. Of course both the film and the graphic novel are about so much more but that's the basic set-up.

Snyder took on a pretty impossible task when he agreed to make Watchmen. As I said, the graphic novel is very, very complex and is quite "un-cinematic" unlike Snyder's previous graphic novel film adaptation 300. A movie of Watchmen has an immediate uphill battle with the audience: It's long, it has a lot of high minded themes to discuss, it has very few action scenes, and it's conclusion is...well I'll get to that.

So, finally, how was the movie? Well it starts off great. Really, amazingly, great. The first 50 minutes or so (roughly the first 4 chapters of the comic book) are done perfectly. In fact, because of the incredible credit sequence, I'd say the movie almost improves upon the original material in terms of pure entertainment.

I honestly cannot say enough about the credit sequence. It's... phenomenal. Set to Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" it is so filled with information, in-jokes [check out what hero's parents the original Nite-Owl is saving in the first shot of the sequence for instance (ten points for whoever sends me the answer first), or the great re-imagining of the Enola Gay, or the Last Supper shot (can you spot the "happy" couple?) , or the Mick Jagger and David Bowie appearance, etc.] I could go on and on about the credits. Just fantastic.

Unfortunately, if you left after the credits ended (About 20 minutes in), you would have seen the best thing the movie has to offer. Anthony Lane from the New Yorker said the same thing, and I hate agreeing with a pretentious *** like him but he's right.

There is one more great scene after the credits, involving the only superhero with powers (Dr. Manhattan) reviewing his past on Mars. It's ripped straight out of the comic (Issue 4 - widely considered the best issue of the series - and perhaps the greatest single issue in comic book history) but after that... the movie just falls off a cliff.

The last 2 hours of the film are too muddled, too cheesy, too rushed, too confusing for anyone who hasn't read the book, too reverential of the original work, and really just a big mess. Which isn't too say I think it could be done better. Watchmen is fundamentally impossible to translate to film. Moore, the most respected author in comics, wrote Watchmen in an effort to show what Comic Books can do that novels and film cannot. So the original work actively rejects being translated into another medium. And it shows. Snyder does the best job he could do but ultimately the movie just never finds the right tone or pace.

How's the acting?

Well the standouts are Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach and Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. Haley really impresses as the insane vigilante, especially given the fact that his face is covered by a mask 90% of the film, and also gets to deliver the most bad-ass line of the movie (it's while the character is in prison - you'll know it when you see it). Crudup, doing motion capture work for the blue, well endowed, superhuman Dr. Manhattan, brings a real humanity to a tough role. You might recognize Crudup's voice from the Mastercard commercials ("For everything else...there's Mastercard") and that voice is well used to give life to a detached, omnipotent, Superman.

Patrick Wilson and Jeffery Dean Morgan are solid as Niteowl II and The Comedian. The script lets them down in staying too close to the original work. A lot of their lines seem...unnatural. Better on the printed page (in a word balloon) then actually being spoken. Still, they do a solid job.

Malin Akerman and Matthew Goode as Silk Spectre and Ozymandias...they disappoint. Akerman is just out-acted in most of her scenes, and Goode makes a few questionable decisions (a lame German accent for instance) and neither can really keep pace with Haley, Crudup, or even Wilson.

But in general the acting ranges from acceptable to great. They're just given crap roles (outside of Rorschach) to play.

There's not much more to say. I don't wanna spoil the movie...

One thing that's very important to know is that kids under 13 CANNOT SEE this movie. There's unnecessary violence (not in the book), a ridiculous sex scene (not in the book), and they just flat out won't like it. So don't make the mistake I saw a lot of parents making when I went to see the movie...this is an 'R' rated movie for a reason. Don't be sucked in by the fact that it's a "comic-book" movie... it's not for kids.

Also worth mentioning is the soundtrack. It's very...on the nose. The original comic makes a point of quoting a lot of songs in order to enhance it's themes ("You're My Thrill" by Bille Holiday, "The Comedians" by Elvis Costello, "Desolation Row" and "All Along the Watchtower" by Bob Dylan) and the movie follows suit. "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole, "The Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel, "I'm Your Boogie Man" by KC & the Sunshine Band, and a muzak version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears are all used. I was really 50/50 on the use of music. "The Times They Are A-Changin'" and "Unforgettable" are perfectly used. On the other hand, Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is used during a sex scene and it's just... ridiculous. Completely laughable. By far the worst scene in the movie.

What's the final verdict?...It doesn't work. The first 70 minutes can't save the rest of the movie. I'm happy the movie exists. I'm happy it's gotten so many people to check out the graphic novel. And it's definitely a movie I'll revisit when it's released on DVD. But I can't recommend it. Cause honestly, I think you'll hate it, no matter who you are.

Grade: C+.

Best Scene: The Opening Credits