Bet Time: The Payoff

Well, as I mentioned in my post back on April 14th, I came out with the short straw in our little bet. So, as promised, I've written a "review" of Mr. Brooks....I feel dirty already.

When you see a man gamble away his life, through cards or sports betting, or getting himself in a never-ending series of "double or nothings" which only caste him further and further into debt, you have to ask yourself why? I've been to Vegas, played some hands, mostly lost, and up until now, I couldn't understand the gamblers sickness. Finally, I understand. A gamblers ludicrous attempts to dig himself out the hole are a desperate attempt to prevent, what in their minds, are an unacceptable even disastrous outcome; The feeling of total loss and the sense that you will have to accept an terrible situation. The motivation to escape such a situation is the predominant reason some people will bet on that 100-1 horse. I've never had that "I must escape this fate" feeling until now.

As I mentioned earlier, after making a bet with hen and subsequently losing, I have been condemned to write a positive review of "Mr. Brooks". I saw the movie two weeks ago, and only now have I been able to force myself to sit down and write it. I've thought over and over about ways to avoid writing this piece, none of them coming to fruition. Although no "double or nothings" were available to me, I would gladly take a bet of any odds just to have to chance to avoid talking about Costner's latest film...(eh, lets call it a movie). Okay, here goes....



"Mr. Brooks" stars Kevin Costner, a legendary actor fabled for outstanding performances in films such as "Dragonfly", "Open Range", "The Postman", and of course for his role as the "Mariner" in Kevin Reynolds post apocalyptic masterpiece "Waterworld"...okay...sarcasm. That's how I would have loved to write this review, riddled with sarcasm and hyperbole, but the truth of the matter is that "Mr. Brooks" just doesn't lend itself to that type of writing. This being an involuntary positive review and all, I'm going to do my best to talk about what the movie gets right, however scarce those successes may be.

"The man has only one look, for Christ's sake!" This quote may be from Zoolander (comic gold..) but it might as well be a statement about Kevin Costners acting. No matter what roll he's playing, Kevin Costner has that same blank (I'm not affected by anyone or anything) stare. Whether he's saving Ashton Kutcher from a sinking ship (The Guardian) or killing aquatic bandits in "Mad Max goes Sailing" (aka Waterworld), his facial expressions are exactly the same. Normally, I'd say that it's a detriment, after all, it prevents him from being able to portray anything but the "too cool to be affected" type character, but in "Mr. Brooks" this blank stare actually serves him well. I say this because Costners unchanging expression fits the character of Mr. Brook perfectly. Mr. Brooks is a serial killer, not by choice, but by necessity. He has an insatiable hunger, a desperate need, to kill people. But, at the same time he desperately wants to free himself from this burden, so he does everything he can to live a normal life outside his gruesome addiction; he pretends to be normal. Costner's expression is still unwavering, but in this role, it is appropriate because it looks manufactured and detached. It looks as if he has constructed this demeanor to hide what is really going on inside his head, which aside from murderous desire, includes full-on dialogue with a personification of his dark side (William Hurt). This is just how Kevin Costner acts, but it works here.

Another piece of this movie I thought worked was Mr. Brook's relationship with his daughter, played by Danielle Panabaker. His struggle with how to deal with his daughter once he realizes that she too enjoys killing is one of the more interesting parts of the movie, although the director seems to think otherwise, as he turns the entire subplot into little more than window dressing for the incredibly boring and uneventful focus of the film (Mr. Brooks relationship with Dane Cook). I can't help myself here; Lets ignore the fact that Dane Cook is completely miscast for this role, and just do a quick rundown of what actually happens in the main plot of this movie. Dane Cook and Kevin Costner drive around in a car, for the most part silently....Costner eventually decides he's been wasting his time with Cook and kills him....that's it... Even the climatic scene, if you can call it that, is only a minute or two, where aimless driving takes up the better part of the film.

I won't say much more about the film because the terms of this bet prohibit me from bashing it as much as I would like to. What I will say is, if they had thrown out the subplot with Demi More's husband (it would have been fine for her to just be the cop chasing Mr. Brooks), used all that time to develop plot surrounding Mr. Brook's daughter, and fired Dane Cook, this could have been more than a "meh" movie.

Henry's Top 100: #87 - Henry V

The 1989 Kenneth Branagh version

Look, Branagh does an amazing job with this movie. The war scenes are magnificent. The direction is stark and cool. The acting is fantastic...there's a reason he was nominated for Best Actor and Best Director (a pretty rare feat). But you know what? The credit mostly goes to old Billy Shakespeare. The reason this movie is on my list, and not just a good little adaptation...is also it's best scene. It's been imitated many times in recent times. "But they'll never take our freedom!" "What we do in life echoes in eternity." "This day we fight!"...but nothing can be as cool as this, the best scene in the movie:


Now go kick someone's ass.

Sam and Henry Saw: Forgetting Sara Marshall

Sam's Take:
"Forgetting Sara Marshall" is funny, really funny. All the laughs, and copious male nudity (okay copious may be an exaggeration but theres a bunch) come from the writing of Jason Segal who also stars in the film. You may know him from "How I met your Mother" (you know, the show with Doogie), although, I'd rather remember him for his role in "Knocked Up". Regardless of what he's done before, he's got a gem here. Sara Marshall also stars Kristin Bell of Veronica Mars and Heroes, as well as Mila Kunis (That 70's Show). The film surrounds Petter Bretter, a composer for a CSI, Cold Case, fill in the blank, type show. After dating the star of the show Sara Marshall for five years, she promptly dumps him. In an effort to wash away his sorrows Peter runs off to Hawaii, and low and behold, Sara is there with her "new" boyfriend Aldous Snow (Russell Brand). Rather than leave and look like a coward, Peter decides to stay, funny times ensue.

Enough about the plot, everyone has been comparing it to "Knocked Up", so here are my two cents. Both of them are hilarious, but where "Knocked Up" decides it's going to turn into a semi-serious border line Rom-com for the last forty-five minutes, Sara Marshall stays the course of good old comedy. Sure, there is some sensitivity and a few heart-felt moments thrown in here or there, but the entire tone of the movie never changes, something that always hurt "Knocked Up" a little in my book. Sara Marshall is a comedy, and as most of this genre do, relies to some extent on the element of surprise for laughs, so I won't ruin any of them for you. What I will say, is that the movie is filled with hilarious situations and lines that are more than worth a second trip to the theater, which I will be making later this week.

I should also mention british comedian Russell Brand. I won't go so far as to say he steals the movie, but he comes really close. Brand is great every time he's on screen, especially when he's singing "Inside You"....yes..it's about sex.

All in all, Sara Marshall is a great commedy. It's almost two hours long, but I was honestly never bored, and never felt like things were dragging on. I'm convinced that this is a must have for any dvd collection, and that means a lot coming from me....I lived in China, where DVDs are 65 cents a pop(nostalgia)...makes $25 a bit of a hard sell for me. Oh yeah, did I mention that Mila Kunis and Kristin Bell are hot? A movie always wins points for having two beautiful women competing over a normal looking guy.

I'm gonna take a page out of Hen's book here because I can't help myself

Favorite Line: "When life gives you lemons just say fuck the lemons and bail"

Letter Grade: A

Hen's Take:
I have to give Judd Apatow credit - within one year he's had a major part in releasing three hysterical comedies. Knocked Up (which actually made my top 100 movies list - though it might now be replaced by Sarah Marshall), Superbad (which was fantastic) and now the best of the bunch - Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So...why didn't anyone tell me this was the funniest movie in years? I mean...no one? Not one critic could bring themselves to just say, "THIS IS FUNNIER THAN KNOCKED UP AND SUPERBAD AND JUST ABOUT ANYTHING YOU'VE SEEN FOR YEARS. HENRY, YOU STUPID DOUCHE, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND SEE THIS MOVIE." Would have have been so hard A.O. Scott? How bout you Peter Travers? You asshole...

Kidding aside, this really is the funniest movie in ages. Sam compared this to Knocked Up so I'll say that it resembled Superbad in that it feels like a comedy. Knocked Up was really funny but it always danced a little close to being a "romantic comedy" which is a different genre. And while Sarah Marshall has romance at the center of its plot, it feels a bit more like Superbad in that the jokes never stop coming. And, forgive the corny line I'm about to drop, but boy did they work. All four lead actors are funny (Kristin Bell gets the least to do) with Russel Brand being the standout. Seriously, if nothing else about this movie appeals to you, you still have to go see it to see Russel Brand's part. Apparently he's big in England but I hope we see more of him State-side because he's great. Semi-late in the movie, at a dinner scene with our four main characters, Brand delivers two different jokes that both had me crying with laughter.

Sam did a good job summarizing the plot, and I don't wanna spoil any of the jokes for you because I came into it completely unaware and you should to, so I'll end things here. I don't really know what more I have to say: SEE THIS MOVIE. I know it's easy with comedies to wait for the DVD but don't do that. You're cheating yourself out of a fantastic two hours. The chances that a much better movie than this gets released this year are pretty slim. So, and you really better get ready to eat some corny cheese here, but I have to say it: Don't Forget to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You're funny bone will hold it against you forever.

Grade: A (This is as good as comedy gets)

Best Scene? When we first hear a song from Peter's rock-opera "Dracula: The Musica

Henry Saw "Baby Mama"

Just a quick review of a movie I saw last night called Baby Mama starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Also popping up in the movie is Steve Martin, the boring Greg Kinnear, and Sigourney Weaver.

The basic plot is as follows: Tina Fey plays a business women who is 37 and finally has her maternal instincts kicking in. She's told by a doctor that she cannot have a baby so she hires a surrogate, played by Amy Poehler, to carry her egg. Amy Poehler ends up moving in with Tina Fey and there's your scenario for comedy.

When I first saw adds for this movie, despite it looking like it was made with 40 year old women in mind, I was actually excited. Tina Fey is very, very funny. She was great on SNL, Mean Girls (which she wrote) is a pretty smart comedy, and most of all, her show 30 Rock is genius. I don't know why, but I assumed she had written Baby Mama too. When I found out that this was not the case (Michael McCullers wrote and directed the film) I was disappointed but still had faith that she could bring her golden touch to the picture. And to a lesser or greater extent she does. Her trademark self-deprecating and witty humor is here. She is a satisfying lead, and nothing about Baby Mama makes me think she couldn't carry a weightier comedy.

As for Amy Poehler...she's always been a big "meh" in my mind. Her kind of humor (loud, stupid, self-satisfied) does very little for me. She worked best on Upright Citizens Brigade and it has been downhill since. She shows a slightly softer side in Baby Mama that I think kind of works for her but its mostly her usual shtick as she plays a simple, immature, and selfish character.

A surprise was seeing Romany Malco get a good amount of screen time as the door man of Tina Fey's building. You might remember Malco from The 40 Year Old Virgin (He played Jay, the one who wasn't Steve Carrel, Paul Rudd, or Seth Rogan). He's really pretty funny in this movie, and if his next movie wasn't The Love Guru, I'd say he's a comedian to watch.

Some of the scenes, perhaps simply by nature of both leads being television stars, FELT like a television show. Set-pieces (like a birthing class they both attend) resemble something you might see on Friends. More often than not however, Baby Mama rises above this and brings the funny.

But then it falls victim to the classic trap of modern comedies...it stops being funny and becomes a real movie. Wedding Crashers is the ultimate example of this phenomenon. It just drags a comedy to a halt and you leave the theater liking the movie a lot less than it deserves. For one hour Baby Mama is really pretty funny. Then it decides it actually cares about the plot and the characters, and gives a forced happy ending, while barely delivering any laughs.

So what's my verdict? Unfortunately Baby Mama only gets a C+ but its a good C+. When it is inevitably on a plane, it's worth the time, and I bet you'll enjoy it. It really is an okay movie, but it's just not as good as it could have been.

Seeing Forgetting Sarah Marshall tonight, will let you know how it is soon,

Best Scene from Baby Mama? When Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Romany Malco discuss what a baby should listen to while its in the womb.

Be Good,

H.

Henry's Top 100: #88 - The Last King of Scotland

Underrated movie. And I know Forest Whitaker won the Oscar for best actor. I still think this movie was underrated. I just found the movie very interesting and entertaining.

The historical fiction deals with a young Scottish Doctor (played by James McAvoy) travels to Uganda in search of adventure. One day, he has a chance encounter with the leader of the country Idi Amin (Whitaker). Amin, we find out, loves Scotland and is immediately drawn to the young doctor. He brings him to his capital city and gives him an official job. Slowly McAvoy's character begins to realize that Amin is not just a charming father-figure but a frightening monster. Mistakes are made, tragedies ensue, and we get one of the more painful climaxes I can think of.

It goes without saying that Whitaker is amazing. His voice, his mannerisms, his mood swings; it is an astounding performance. But the real revelation from this movie was James McAvoy. I still don't know why there wasn't some buzz for him to get a best supporting actor nomination. He has what could have been a very tough role, and makes the character completely believable. He has to make the doctor a bit of a sleaze-ball at the beginning (he tries to steal a co-workers wife), show why he is so taken in by Idi Amin, and then make us believe when his character realizes he has to get out of Uganda. This movie put McAvoy on my list of young actors who I'll always give the benefit of the doubt (even after Atonement. That was terrible).

Perhaps because it was not set in a western country, the 70's look did not feel forced. The pacing is perfect, the camera work is solid with no overly showy maneuvers.

Not enough people saw this movie when it first came out. Check it out. It can be hard to watch, but its a really good movie.

Best Scene? When Whitaker and McAvoy first meet; you immediately see why McAvoy is so taken in by Idi Amin.

Henry's Top 100: #89 - The Return of The King

I was surprised when putting together this list that two of the Lord of the Rings movies placed so low (Two Towers didn't even crack the Top 100). I really did like these movies. I remember leaving Return of the King exhausted but overwhelmed. It is a masterpiece; there's no denying that. It's also the first real cinematic epic of the the 21st century. It's the biggest movie of the decade. By far. And in some ways that's my favorite part of the movie; how huge Peter Jackson's vision was. He wanted to make a movie that you almost shouldn't bother with on the small screen. Some of the scenes of war in this movie, or the landscape shots, seem to large for even a movie theater screen to hold. I loved seeing that.

And yet, unfortunately, that theme of being too big extends itself into the narrative as well. A lot has been written about how the movie has too many endings, and while I won't go too much into that, I will say it is an absolutely valid complaint. It's not that the endings aren't necessary, or that you could have combined some of them, its just a basic flaw of the story. It's so long and epic that ending it was going to be a bitch.

Another flaw of the movie is something that I know Peter Jackson could have done nothing about, at least not as long as he was trying to be faithful to the books (which I do admire him for). But...the whole Frodo and Sam thing ...stinks. I mean its just awful. Its not just that every line they say to each other is ripe for parody, or that awkward look they give each other near the end when Frodo is in bed and Sam walks in the door, it's that I actually don't think the climax of the story works. My dad was the first person to suggest this, and as he hadn't read the books, he wasn't beholden to the original text. My dad said, when Frodo and Gollum are wrestling for the ring near the lava pit, Sam should have just pushed them both in. He said this not because he hates Elijah Wood or something, but because it would make the ending have a lot more weight, and actually have the victory won by action instead of luck. If Sam had been forced to kill his friend to destroy the ring and save the world...THAT'S drama. And it's not like Elijah's character had anything to live for at the end of the story. He goes off to god-knows-where-far-side-of-the-middle-earth anyway.

I know that this ending could never have happened...and somewhere out there some "Frodo Lives!" kid is plotting my death...but as soon as he suggested that too me I knew he was right.

Look, the action in the movie is awesome. There are multiple goose-bump inducing moments. Sir Ian is awesome as always....this is a great movie. But its just too flawed to be higher. For all you LOTR fans though, know that Fellowship of the Ring is very, very high on this list.

Best Scene? Our First first shot of the Elephants coming out of the mist and entering the battle

The Top Ten Funniest Scenes of All Time According to Henry

It should be stressed that I mean scenes. Not lines or brief moments; these are scenes that maintain the funny throughout their entire duration.

A video is worth a thousand pictures. Prepare to laugh.


10. The Thanksgiving Play from Addams Family Values


9. Jo-Jo the Circus Pet from Tommy Boy


8. King Arthur encounters peasants in Monty Python and the Holy Grail


7. The Barbershop scene in Coming To America


6. Caught in the Zipper from There's Something About Mary


5. "Who Does Number 2 Work For?" From Austin Powers


4. Ruprect from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels


3. Charlie's Parents in So I Married an Axe Murderer


2. Bevis and Butthead in the White House
The end of this clip:


1. Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps - The Dinner scene

Somehow this scene isn't on youtube. Look, this is the funniest scene in movie history. I think I've seen this scene, literally, 50 times. And just this scene alone. The movie sucks. But ask Sam...this is the funniest scene ever put to film, and really, it's not that close. When Sam, Ben, and I were in Oxford, we watched this scene, by itself, dozens of time. It is comic gold. I know, the idea that something this great could come from "The Klumps" seems impossible. Nutty Professor 2 is a horrible movie. Near unwatchable. But for about 6 minutes it is the best comedy ever made. Sam and I once kept count...there are over 50 funny things in this scene. I can't stress it enough, see this goddamn scene. It's perfect.

Henry's Top Hundred: #90 - Bad Boys 2

As I previously discussed...Michael Bay sucks. The fact that he has two movies on this list doesn't change that fact. But I have to acknowledge what he accomplished in Bad Boys 2...I mean, let's go back to Bay's first movie, Bad Boys 1. All I remember from Bad Boys is that Tea Leoni was in it, and Martin Lawrence repeatably saying "I'm Mike LOWREY". It's terrible. So here comes Bad Boys 2...I mean didn't Bay say everything he needed to say in Bad Boys 1? What more can be done with the "Bad Boys Concept"?

Well, Bay figured out the answer to the question. The answer?

Make an epic. An EPIC. Michael Bay made the Lawrence of Arabia of the Buddy action movie.

The modern "Buddy" action movie was invented in 1982 with 48 hours. Since then we've gotten Lethal Weapon, Turner and Hooch, Rising Sun, Bulletproof, Rush Hour...I could go on. In 2003, when Bad Boys 2 was released, we were given what I see as the final word on the "Buddy" action picture. The Omega if you will. After Bad Boys 2, nothing more can be said or done with the genre.

The movie is chalk full of insanity but lets fast-forward to the climax. Martin Lawrence and Will Smith invade Cuba. And that's not hyperbole or anything. The Miami Police Department, led by MarTIN and Will, invades Cuba. They destroy some villages with some Hummers, blow up some fancy houses, encounter the American military...everything you would expect, except an appearance by The Buena Vista Social Club.

I just love that at a certain point Michael Bay clearly said, "Fuck it, we're invading Cuba." The movie doesn't require it. Everything could have been wrapped up without the field trip, but it seems like Michael Bay wanted to just push things as far as he could.

What's weird is that I actually like most of the movie before Will and MarTIN's Cuban Vacation. I think the Woo-Sah joke is pretty funny, Vito the Killer Pimp appears which is always good for a laugh, and who can't get behind a movie that opens up with KKK members being blown away?

This is actually a worse movie than The Rock but I like it quite a bit lot more. There's a reason when Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg made Hot Fuzz, their comedic ode to the "Buddy" action movie, they referenced Bad Boys 2 in more than a few ways. They knew that after Bad Boys 2 all Buddy action movies can only stand in its wake.

Best Scene? Martin Lawrence dealing with the effects of swallowing a large amount of extacy while visiting his captain's house

What Happened to Norm?

Norm MacDonald was funny. Billy Madison, Dirty Work, Saturday Night Live, Family Guy and he's even a little funny in Deuce Bigalow. Check out his interview on Conan in 97' if you want to see how funny this guy is.


Funny right? So, where the hell is he?


Plain and simple, why isn't Norm in more things? I suppose Norm does suffer from the same affliction Chris Rock and a lot of other amazing comics do: the moment they have their own movie/tv show it gets mediocre really fast. Norm was funny in Dirty Work but the Norm show.....enough said. When you think about it, it makes sense, these guys are comics, they get laughs through quick witty remarks, not long strung out scenes etc. So, maybe it's for the best that Norm doesn't get more silver-screen-love. Norm is probably best suited as a lot of stand up comics are, to chime in as supporting actors and make us laugh every once in a while. Nick Swardson is an established stand up comic who has been doing this recently, and I think it's going really well for him. Hopefully Norm hasn't pissed off all of Hollywood yet(ironically by being funny/his outburst on SNL), and I'll get to see him in some upcoming films.....checked IMDB....outlook is bleak...well there's always stand-up.

Continuing a theme: I Hate William H. Macy

Seeing as Sam has gotten to vent some of his dislikes for certain actors, I thought I'd jump in with some words about my least favorite actor: William H. Macy. Or Bill Macy, as I call him; he doesn't deserve a non-abbreviated first name. I can't explain fully why I hate him. It's not that there's some secret reason; the depth of my loathing is beyond my ability to express it in any human language. I'm not in Ray Finkle/Dan Marino territory, but I really really really dislike Bill Macy:

And so should you.

Why?

Well, first of all, he was born in Miami. Miami, as we all know, has never produced anything good. Except the 2003 Marlins.

But, you should really hate him for his crappy acting, and for how annoying he is in movies.

See, I didn't know this until I looked on IMDB, but Bill Macy has been appearing in films since 1978. But, the first thing I recognize him from is a 1992 episode of "Law And Order" in which he plays an assistant U.S. Attorney who fucks with the bull that is Ben Stone, and gets the horns.

Next, he was in "Searching For Bobby Fisher" and played a character named "Tunafish Father",...that is just disgusting.

But, the first movie in which I really think Bill Macy...distinguished himself...was Mr. Holland's Opus in which he plays a douchey principal. This movie is a goldmine of badness. Not only do we have Bill Macy in this film, but also Richard Dreyfuss. Whenever these two are on the screen, there is so much suck present that my brain almost explodes. On a side note, who has enough time to fill out the memorable quotes section on IMDB for Mr. Holland's Opus?

The next year, we come to Bill Macy's breakout performance. The one ALL the Macy fans throw back at me as if I'm insane to hate Macy. "But he was sooo good in Fargo!", they all say. Fuck Bill Macy in Fargo. I really like the movie. I think the second half of that movie is about as perfect as could be. But, I hate Jerry Lundegaard. And yes, I know, that's the point: You are supposed to hate Jerry Lundegaard. But, I think there is a fine line between a character being really annoying to the other characters around him, but keeping enough charm so as to have the audience have sympathy for him, and just flat out irritating the poop out of the audience. I may be alone in disliking Bill Macy in this role. But I do. Boo Macy.

Perhaps the main reason I dislike the combination of Macy and Fargo, is that after Fargo, his career "took off". Suddenly, it felt like you couldn't go see a movie without getting a taste of Macy:

Air Force One - My favorite Bill Macy movie because he dies at the end.

Boogie Nights - Bill Macy plays a guy whose ugly wife cheats on him a lot. I bet it was a very easy performance for Macy to pull off.

Wag the Dog - He plays a stuffy government agent who says the following line: "When the fit hits the shan somebody's going to have to stay behind after school." ....That's not clever Bill Macy.

Pleasantville - Ohhh Pleasantville. My absolute least favorite Bill Macy role. And because the internet is an amazing thing, someone has captured my least favorite moment in this movie for all time: Where's My Dinner?. I say again: Bill Macy is bad.

Psycho - Another standout for being a movie that Bill Macy actually dies in. Still, this is an absolute abortion of a movie. And not the safe medical kind, but the turkey baster and egg beater kind.

A Civil Action - Bill Macy plays a lawyer who goes broke because his partner is on a crusade against a BIG CORPERATION. As fun as it is to see Bill Macy lose everything, he's still really annoying in this movie. I feel like some Casting Directors share my Bill Macy-hate because they're always casting him as characters that slightly annoy the lead.

Mystery Man - He plays a character named The Shoveller. More like Shit-Shoveller....okay that was a terrible joke, which is why it's appropriately paired with Mystery Men.

Magnolia - He plays an annoying guy at a bar who talks about his former greatness. Do you think this is what Bill Macy actually does now? You think he and Martin Lawrence were sitting around on the set of Wild Hogs (we'll get to that by the way) and Bill Macy is just going on and on about Fargo and Martin Lawrence gets really sick of Bill Macy and just hits him in the face? Here's hoping.

Jurassic Park 3 - This movie is pretty terrible, but Bill Macy is actually out-sucked by Tea Leoni. No small task. Yet this movie did commit a cardinal sin in that it led us to believe Bill Macy had been eaten by a dinosaur, only to reveal near the end that he had gotten away. See? Even dinosaurs can't swallow Bill Macy.

It should be noted that for every movie I'm listing here, there are like 2 more that I have never seen that Bill Macy is in. He's prolifically awful.

Door to Door - .....

....


Um....now to be fair I've never seen Door to Door. I've seen the trailers from when it was originally airing as a USA original movie "event". So maybe...maybe...Door to Door is a brilliant film. It's possible that it would change my entire outlook on Bill Macy. Or, I could go with my instinct and say that a film in which, " a man with cerebral palsy is determined to become a salesman," is probably not going to change my views about Bill Macy. Here is the Trailer for Door to Door. One note about the trailer: "Comes the true story about an ordinary man"....now this is absolutely in no way saying that people with cerebral palsy aren't capable people. But...isn't the point of the movie that he isn't ordinary? Isn't the real thrust of the story the fact that he has cerebral palsy? What's exactly the appeal of this movie if its not about a man rising above his handicap to save his town or some shit. If it's just Bill Macy, talking like that for no reason, showing up at your door...it sounds more like a horror film.

The Cooler - People liked this movie. Meh. And even though Maria Bello looks kind of like used scotch tape, fuck Bill Macy for that scene.

Seabiscut - He played, you got it, the really annoying guy. The one who made all the crazzzzzzy sounds on the radio. I wanted to punch Bill Macy in the trachea during this movie.

Thankfully, the movie business has been less kind to Bill Macy over the last four years. He was in Cellular, which sucked. Sahara, which sucked. Bobby, which sucked. Wild Hogs, which...which...just what will it take to make you see how horrible Bill Macy is? HE WAS IN WILD HOGS. WILD FUCKING HOGS. Martin Lawrence gets a pass for Wild Hogs, it wasn't his fault. BUT BILL MACY WAS IN WILD HOGS.

To be fair to Bill Macy, he was not bad in the great film Thank You For Smoking. Yes, I did enjoy seeing him get embarrassed and ultimately beaten at the end of the film, but he's really pretty good throughout the movie as a cheesy villain (laid some Gene Shallot humor on you there). I can't take anything away from Bill Macy in this movie. So, you go Bill Macy, You're 1 for 113.

Looking at IMDB now...apparently Bill Macy wasn't shunned by Hollywood...he was just waiting for 2008. Bill Macy has 8 movies coming out in 2008. 8. Eight. Who did I piss off? Is it because of my lack of faith?...I suppose that might do it...but really, who did I cut off in traffic? Who did I steal the last donut from? Who decided that in a year filled with so much Cinematic promise that Bill Macy would get to appear in EIGHT GODDAMN (whoops) MOVIES? Thankfully, all the movies sound like stinkers. Some of what we will be blessed with seeing Bill Macy in this year include:

Bart Got A Room - "While Danny's father and mother independently search for love, Danny is on his own desperate quest to find a prom date. Danny's search becomes progressively more pathetic once he and his family learn that Bart, the school's biggest dweeb, not only secured a date for the prom, but got a hotel room as well" (IMDB). Forget how boring and limited that sounds, doesn't that sound really...mean? Why shouldn't the dweeb get a date? Are we suppose to be angry that this poor kid, who is obviously the joke of the school, actually got a date?

The Lonely Maiden - "A comedy centered on three museum security guards who devise a plan to steal back the artworks to which they have become attached after they are transferred to another museum." This one co-stars Chris Walken and Morgan Freeman. So it's another movie about a couple of old men doing wacky things. See: The Bucket List, WILD FUCKING HOGS.

Antique - "The intersection of 8 lives in the city of Echo Park, Los Angeles, CA as they all search for the strength to break free from the pains of their past." So....it's Magnolia...He's remaking his shit now.

Hurricane Mary - "The remarkable true story of one mother's tireless struggle to fulfill her dream to give her severely disabled twins some semblance of a normal childhood-the friendships, learning and cultural experiences provided by a public school education. " Maybe the kid can make friends with Bill Macy's character from Door to Door.

Keep Coming Back - The plot is about a teenager and a stripper at AA meetings. And that, in and of itself, sounds bad. But then I saw this :

Director: William H. Macy
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Fuck it, I'm moving to Greece, I hear they hate Bill Macy there.

Be Good, or at least better than Bill Macy,

H.

Henry's Top Hundred: #91 - Office Space

Here's the thing...I bet only about 25% of Office Space is funny. Like if you just analyzed how much of its 89 minutes running time is actually funny...you'd be somewhere around 22 minutes of hilarity. But those 22 minutes are SO strong, that Office Space can comfortably be put in my top 100.

The two characters of Michael Bolton and Samir Nagheenanajar are what make the movie for me. The main character, played by Ron Livingston, just isn't that funny; and I've never liked Livingston in anything I've seen him in anyway. Jennifer Aniston is also in the movie and every scene with her in it drags the movie to a screeching halt. She sucks, her part sucks, and each part with her in it sucks.

But the early scenes around the office, with Michael Bolton explaining his name, or Samir dealing with the fax machine...they are comic gold. I mean seriously A+ humor. If the whole movie was as funny as those early scenes, we would be looking at possibly the funniest movie of all time. As is, it's a pretty good movie, that achieves comedic perfection in a few scenes.

Best Scene: Here and here are the first 18 minutes of the movie. Laugh.

Be good,

H.

Henry's Top Hundred: #92 - The Rock

Michael Bay thinks he is awesome

He's not. His movies really suck. Armageddon sucked. Transformers sucked. There's even a song about how much Pearl Harbor sucked. And yet...two movies that Michael Bay directed appear in my top 100. The first of these two is The Rock.

The basic, if completely ridiculous, plot centers around a group of rogue marines (led by Ed Harris), angry about their brothers-in-arms dying without recognition, who decide to take hostages on Alcatraz Island and aim rockets full of poisonous gas at San Francisco. A team of SEALs, along with Nick Cage as a chemical specialist and Sean Connery as the only man to ever escape from "the Rock", break into the island to try to save the hostages and destroy the rockets. It all goes to pot, all the SEALs are killed, and its down to Nick Cage and James Bond to save the day.

It doesn't waste time becoming "Die Hard in an antique prison" but that's fine. What separates The Rock from other Die Hard knockoffs (Under Siege 2, Speed 2, etc.) is it actually has a very well written script. Both Quintin Tarantino and Aaron Sorkin had a role in writing the script, and their talent shows. The movie is full of good lines and moves at a quick pace. Some of the stuff with Ed Harris and his men falls flat but there is a David Morse sighting which is always fun.

Also fun is that Sean Connery is basically playing old James Bond. He plays an English spy, who discovered some nasty American secrets (like who really shot JFK), and was locked away for the rest of his life. This is the only movie Sean Connery has made since the 1980s that he is anywhere close to decent in. And he's not just decent but very good. Even though he was 66 when this movie came out you never doubt that he could take apart an island full of crazy marines.

If you like action movies, especially stupid action movies not trying to be more than they are, then you can't get much better than The Rock. It entertains. What more do you want?

Best Scene? A descent amount of choices to choose from, but I have to go with what's probably the most famous line in the movie.

Be good,

H.

I Don't Understand Hollywood: Nick Cage

How does this man keep getting movies. I know the National Treasure movies have become a dumbed down, super friends-logic riddled, Indiana Jones substitute of the last five years. I may not like them but I understand why people do. That's all well and good. What I don't understand is how studios think children's movie success is proper motivation to shovel out movies like "The Weather Man", "the Wicker Man", and "Next". Now, I see that Nicolas Cage will be starring in what looks to be another in a long line of studio fodder: "Bangkok Dangerous" a remake of a Thai movie of the same title from 2000. The fact the remade movies rarely ever reach the level of their inspiration (I still think "Infernal Affairs" was better than the "the Departed) and bad titles aside, this movie is about a hit man who falls in love with a woman he meets while on a job....Now I don't hate love stories, I've seen "Father of the Bride" more times than I'd like to admit (it was on TBS...), and even the sappiest of the sappy "The Notebook" with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Love stories have their place...but not in movies about cold-hearted hit-men. Hit the jump for the trailer for "Bangkok Dangerous" 2008 as well as the original from 2000. Look for a review of both of them once the remake premiers in August.

The Original




The Remake

Henry's Top Hundred: # 93 - The Golden Child

Very few movies mean something to me beyond their quality. I love me some movies, don't get me wrong, but there aren't that many movies to which I connect to beyond my enjoyment of the movie itself. Milo and Otis is a movie I will always associate with the day my sister and I got to go to the movies by ourselves. I'll never forget seeing X-Men in New Roc city, with my best friends, and seeing my some of my childhood heroes up on the big screen. And I'll never be able to watch The Golden Child without thinking of of being in 3rd grade and watching it with my friend Ben.

The Golden Child sucks. I mean...it is kind of funny...but it is a really, REALLY, bad movie. It's kind of a Big Trouble in Little Chinatown knockoff...which is actually just embarrassing. I'm not sure that anyone in it, except for Eddie Murphy, ever went on to be in anything else whatsoever. It is, flat out, a shitty movie. But I will never change the channel if I happen to come across it on TV.

When I was eight I loved this movie. And so did Ben. We would watch it almost every time he came over to my house. We probably had the movie memorized. "I'ma paddle your ass when I find you!" "Hey Bird - Did you just see a little Hare-Krishna midget in the tree, floatin'?" "My dear, sweet brother Numpsay!" "You are a very wise, old and disgusting man..." This movie killed us when we were little. We were like the weasels in Roger Rabbit, we would basically die laughing while watching The Golden Child. And I can't ever separate that from my mind when I watch it now. No matter how bad I know this movie is, I will always love it because of what it meant to me back in 1993 or so.
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Flash forward to 2005. Kayne West releases his second album to much fanfare. On the best track on the album, "Gone", there happens to be a reference to a little old movie from 1986...

You sweat her, and I ain't talkin 'bout a Coogi
You a big L, and I ain't talkin 'bout Cool J
See me at the airport, at least 20 Louis
Treat me like the Prince and this my sweet brother Numpsay
BROTHER NUMPSAY! Groupies sound too choosy
Take 'em to the show and talk all through the movies
Says she want diamonds, I took her to Ruby Tuesdays
If we up in Friday's, I still have it my way

Sweet, sweet vindication.

Best Scene? The Great Brother Numpsay scene that is somehow not on youtube. You're mission should you choose to except it...is to watch The Golden Child and see one of the great scenes in comedy history (at least I think it is...)

Be Good,

H.

Henry's Top Hundred: #94 - Seven Samurai

I won't pretend that I have something new to add to the discussion/analysis of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai (Shichinin no Samurai). All you need to know is that this is widely considered one of the greatest films ever made. And it is an epic. A small village of rice farmers are threatened by violent bandits. They convince seven samurai warriors, led by the great Takashi Shimura, to defend their village despite being greatly outnumbered.

I can't think of one thing this movie does wrong. It is, in every way, perfect. It only suffers from the same problem as The Lives of Others...it's long and it is in a foreign language. I simply cannot watch this movie as often as other movies on this list.

Again, if this was a list of the best movies ever made, I can guarantee you I would put Seven Samurai in the all-time top 10. As is, it is the best movie ever ranked 94 on any list of all time.

Best Scene? Watching Takashi Shimura assemble his small force of Samurai.

Be Good,

H.

Rant: Jeff Goldblum Sucks

Jeff Goldblum sucks. Plain and simple. I'm not sure if everything he's in sucks, or if he makes everything he's in suck. Either way, I can't think of one movie he's in that I can actually sit through without cringing every time he comes on screen. Whether hes playing a wholly unbelievable scientist akin to Denise Richards in "The World is Not Enough", an out right sleaze-bag in "Holy Man", or trying to do that "bumblingly charming" thing in every other movie hes ever made, it's not working. I really think the only time I've ever seen Jeff on screen without wanting to pull my hair out was in Season 7 of South Park in the episode "Canceled" and even then, that was a cartoon parody of him. Why do I feel the need to bring this up? Well, I happened to leave my TV on when I went downstairs to get a drink, and when I came back up, I found Jeff Goldblum's voice filling my room with smugness (the opening scene of Holy Man). Ugh. Hit the jump for my list of the top ten Goldblum debacles.

Top Ten Worst Goldblums

10. Cats and Dogs (a decent kids movie without him, with him: Unwatchable)
9. Dallas 362
8. The Lost World (Jurassic Park was great, The Lost World, not so much)
7. Independence Day (not so much a bad movie as an amazingly bad performance by Jeffy)
6. Nine Months
5. The Great White Hype
4. The Prince of Egypt (even in voice only hes bad)
3. Earth Girls Are Easy
2.Holy Man
1. Man of the Year (thats right the one where Robin Williams runs for President)

Okay I need to take go wash off all this crappy cinema. Rant over.

Henry's Top Hundred: #95 - Match Point

I don't like Woody Allen movies. I just don't. Annie Hall, Manhattan, Sleepers, Celebrity, Mighty Aphrodite...you name it I hate it. The closest I had come to liking a Woody Allen movie (isn't it weird how we always say 'A WOODY ALLEN movie? It's never 'An Allen movie'...hm) was Hannah and Her Sisters. But that had Diane Weist in it. So it can go %^&# itself on a broken beer bottle. So when I went to see Match Point at the Boston Common theater with my friend Jay, my expectations were not too high.

I was shocked at what I saw. Gone were the Woody Allenisms...the main character didn't stutter. He didn't lust for, and conquer, women WAY out of his league. It didn't try to be funny. It was just an amazing little story about lust, marriage, and guilt. HOW did Woody Allen make this thing?

The story, about a Tennis Pro who marries into a rich family, only to fall for his brother-in-law's girlfriend, is theater-like in it's aspirations. There are no big set pieces, no showy camera shots, not even an over the top dialogue scene. The movie is morality lesson on where a man's desires can lead him if he is not careful. And that might be the movie's greatest strength.

Because...look...I think Emily Mortimer is pretty cute:


But when compared to this:


...there is no contest. And that's what makes the movie work. You believe that Jonathan Rhys Meyers' character would be such an idiot...and risk everything...to be with Scarlet Johansson.

This is another movie I won't spoil the ending of, but it holds together despite a few missteps (including a weak dream sequence).

If you like Woody Allen, or if you hate Woody Allen, it doesn't matter. See this movie; it's a good one.

Best Scene? The initial flirtation, over a game of ping-pong, between Meyers and Johansson

Be Good,

H.

Henry's Top Hundred: #96 - South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

(Bigger, Longer, and Uncut)

All you really need to know about this movie is that it is fucking great. It's when South Park made the leap from a juvenile fart joke show, to the greatest cartoon of all time (yeah, that's right). Scott Tennerman, Casa Bonita, Cripple Fight, Christopher Reeve sucking the stem cells out of dead fetuses...I'm not sure we'd have any of these if Trey Parker and Matt Stone had not stepped their game up so much for their first animated feature film. I don't really need to say anymore other than this...

If you don't laugh at this, the best scene in animation history, you have no sense of humor and should just never watch a comedy ever again.

Be Good,

H.

Henry's Top Hundred: #97 - Donnie Darko

I HATED this movie when I first saw it. I just didn't get it. It made no sense. None. Zip. After watching it a couple more times...it still makes no sense. But now I love the film. No, the plot doesn't quite add up. But that doesn't matter. Because other than "making sense" this movie works on every other level. It's funny, it's sad. It's smart, it's at times very silly. It has a great soundtrack, solid performances, and possibly the last good (...only good?) performance we will ever see from Patrick Swayze.

I won't try to explain the plot to you. It would be...impossible. But Richard Kelly's film basically is about a troubled kid named Donnie Darko, played by Jake Gyllenhall, who is told by a giant scary bunny rabbit that the world will end in 28 days. There's a lot more to it than that, but the plot is the movie's weakest piece. It's strengths lie in the dark but optimistic tone. In the characters, ranging from the completely comical life coach Jim Cunningham (Patrick Swayze) to the teacher struggling to give her students a real education (the strangely decent Drew Barrymore, who also produced the film).

What works about the movie, and what keeps it from sinking in to a pretentious pit of sci-fi nonsense, is the relationship between the characters. The brief moments between Donnie and his sister (played by real life syster to Jake, Maggie Gyllenhall) or Donnie and his girlfriend (Jena Malone) give the movie an emotional base that it never loses amongst its time-travel, worm hole, nonsense.

The movie has developed a cult following on DVD, and with good reason. Check it out. I promise you will get into the nooks and crannies of the film. If you don't, I'll start to question your committment to Sparkle Motion (just watch the movie, believe me, that wasn't a bad joke).

Best Scene? The confident and impressive tracking shot of a 1988 high school set to the tune of Head over Heels

Bet Time Results: Hen wins....Crap

Boston wins series 2-1
Fri 4/11: NYY 4, @BOS 1
Sat 4/12: BOS 4, NYY 3
Sun 4/13: BOS 8, NYY 5

Well, now unfortunetly I have to make good on my bet with Hen and go ahead and write a review describing how great Mr. Brooks is. Check out the trailer to get an idea of the suffering I'm about to go through.

Henry's Top Hundred: #98 - Batman Begins

My mom and my sister liked Batman Begins more than I did. Which is probably a sign that this movie was a complete success. After the huge piles of $#!t that were Batman Forever and Batman and Robin, Christopher Nolan made a movie that appealed to the most jaded audience member. Nolan not only took out the tongue-in-cheek humor that had killed the last two Batman films, but he ripped out the tongue and fed it too his dog. Batman Begins resembles the previous two Batman movies in name only.

Batman Begins relies heavily on the work of Frank Miller, Jeph Loeb, and Tim Sale, the three men responsible for the three best Batman stories of all time. Frank Miller's Year One, the principle influence on Batman Begins, is considered the greatest origin story of a superhero ever told. Miller's most respected work, The Dark Knight Returns, redefined what superhero comics could be back in 1986. Jeph Loeb and artist Tim Sale combined to create The Long Halloween, a mystery story staring Batman, Lieutenant Gordon, and District Attorney Harvey Dent. The Long Halloween is my favorite Batman story of all time, and I could not be happier that Chris Nolan, and screenwriter David Goyer, are using it as a main influence on the tone of their planned trilogy.

But what do I think of Batman Begins? I think it is one-half of the second best superhero movie ever made. The first hour of this movie is perfect. Perfect. The cast is amazing, from Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne (try to imagine better casting...I can't), to the awesome Michael Caine as Alfred...the movie has an astounding cast. Even Katie Holmes doesn't hurt the movie. No really, she doesn't. From the filmmakers version of Batman's origin (adding more guilt to Wayne's conscience) to Wayne's preperation for taking on the mantle of Batman, they don't make a wrong step. The first half of Batman Begins doesn't feel like a "comic book movie" it feels like a film. A smart, psychological, thinking person's film; the kind of thing you could recommend to anyone.

So what goes wrong? Why isn't this in my top ten, much less top 80? It all goes wrong when Bruce Wayne puts on the cape and cowl. And the problems are almost too numerous to list here. For starters, Nolan cannot film action. He just can't. The sins of The Bourne Supremacy, with its shakey cam and quick cuts, are carried out ten-fold here. The evil scheme of the villains...well...it's just too comic book-y. And I love comic books. But in the movie that Nolan crafted, having an evil vaporizing device that will destroy the city...it just sucks. Gordon And then there's the voice. The fucking voice. Look, I get the idea that Bruce Wayne, being a smart guy, would try to disguise his voice when he becomes Batman. But what Nolan and Bale came up with...that garbled, throaty, Joe Cocker like mess...it's a disaster. "SWEAR TO MEEEEEE" Batman bellows at one point. I just laughed. It's shocking to me that some grip on the set didn't just go "Really guys? You're going with that?"

I have to mention Cillian Murphy's performance as Jonathan Crane-The Scarecrow. He can't be on the screen for more than 10 minutes, but he is one of the best villains ever put on celluloid. The filmmakers make great use of Scarecrow's fear toxin, and Murphy is one of the few actors in the movie who seems to be having an absolute blast.

I really like this movie. I really like that Batman Begins, along with Spider-Man 2, is one of the few comic book movies that make my stupid hobby seem absolutely respectable. I really like the first hour of Batman Begins, during which I sat astonished in the theater that something this great could come from the 70 year old adventures of a psychopath in a bat costume. But it just loses me in the second half, and its because of that, that Batman Begins is only 98 on my all-time top one-hundred.

All that being said, I cannot wait for The Dark Knight



Best Scene? It actually comes from the dreaded second half of the movie, when Scarecrow gets a taste of his own fear toxin, and we see how he views "The Bat-Man"

Henry's Top Hundred: #99 - The Night of the Hunter

I'm going to guess you've never seen The Night of The Hunter. It's not a movie people watch. People know about it. The one with that guy with LOVE and HATE written on his knuckles. But very few people have seen it. I watched it for the first time sometime last year with my friend Elena and my parents in our kitchen. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew Charles Laughton had directed it and that he had never directed another film...so I wasn't too hopeful. Add in the fact that it centered around child actors...and it had all the makings of a film that snobs loved but that wasn't actually that good. I was happy to find that it wasn't that way at all. The Night of the Hunter is a dark, strange, and very offbeat film given the era it was made (1955). At times it is a horror film, at others a chase film, and at others, a message film. It tries to hit a lot of notes, but in my opinion, it succeeds unilaterally.

Because Wikipedia is the best thing ever I will let it describe what the plot is:

Ben Harper (Peter Graves) is sentenced to hang for his part in a robbery in which two men were killed. Before he is caught though, he hides the stolen money, trusting only his children John (Billy Chapin) and Pearl (Sally Jane Bruce)—about ten and five years old, respectively—with the money's location. Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum), a self-appointed preacher with the word "LOVE" tattooed on the knuckles of his right hand and "HATE" on the knuckles of his left, shares a prison cell with Harper. He tries to get Harper to tell him the hiding place before his execution, but the only clue he gets is a Biblical quotation Harper mutters in his sleep: "And a child shall lead them."Convinced that Harper told his children the secret, upon his release from prison, Powell woos and marries Harper's widow, Willa (Shelley Winters).

It's a fairly straightforward plot. Mitchum, the star, is a slick, menacing, sociopath in the lead role. He has no problem threatening children or committing murder to accomplish his goal. The movie is filmed in a very surreal style...it begins with the floating heads of five children in the space, it has a fairy tale like escape down a river, and it ends with a dramatic shoot out between an old lady and Robert Mitchum. You never really know what's coming next. But it is always interesting.

Seek this one out. It's different from anything you've seen before; to try to copy it would only lead to disaster. This movie is one of a kind.

Best Scene? Our last view of Shelly Winter's fate...I still don't know how they got that shot

Sam Saw: Street Kings

Do you like your movies morally gray with a side of bullets? Well here comes Street Kings. Street Kings comes to us from director David Ayer, known for writing Training Day and the screenplay for U-571, both great movies. He's also wrote Harsh Times, and the screenplay for SWAT and the Fast and the Furious, so he's done some crap too. Street Kings falls somewhere in between.

Street Kings follows veteran cop Tom Ludlow, played by Keanu Reeves. The movie starts out with Tom meeting up with a couple of Koreans for a drug deal. He manages to totally screw up the deal via being a complete asshole (racist comments, and just general douchyness), violence ensues. Not only do they beat the crap out of him, but they steal his car...what an idiot. But no, Keanu has tricked us, he wanted them to steal his car, he's got a tracker in his car. He tracks them down and proceeds to bust down the door all alone killing everyone in the room, including a half naked man wearing a black mask (kinky) without blinking. When he starts planting guns on the previously unarmed men, we start to wonder about his moral character, but then we see the two girls locked up in a cage, being kept there as sex slaves. So, who cares what he did to save them, he saved them. That seems to be the message Ayer is sending, and the major theme of the movie. I'm not going to run down every event, but you can be sure that almost every moment of confrontation involves some level of "the ends justify the means".

(Keanu with a gun, get used to that image, you'll be seeing it a lot)

Aside from the "everything is gray" theme, this movie has got a lot of shooting, and Keanu does most of it. Almost every scene he's in, ends with a couple of dead people and an empty clip. At times, it gets a little ridiculous that Mr. K doesn't catch any of the plethora of bullets shot at him, but in the end, it doesn't really matter because the action scenes are all a lot of fun save for the few hand to hand fight scenes as Ayer seems to have gone to Paul Greengrass's Bourne School of Shaky Cam.

Another problem is the extremely predictable twist. I won't ruin it, but it's safe to say that everyone, except for the three year old in the theater (who brings their three year old to see a movie about hazy morals and killing?), saw it coming after ten minutes in.

In the end what really matters is, did I like the movie, and was it worth seeing? Yes I liked it. Sure, it had a bit of ridiculous acting and a message the director crams down our throat, but the gun-play was fun. For me, this movie was about watching Keanu kicking ass, and after having to see him make The Lakehouse it was good seeing him get back into form....oh yeah, and his acting wasn't half bad either.

Grade: C+

It's Bet Time

So, we like betting, especially on sports. The catch is, we never bet money. Money is so boring. Considering we spend way too much time talking and thinking about movies, our bets should also be about movies. A few years ago, for a bet I can't even remember, Hen and I came up with a new type of bet. Instead of betting money or things, the loser of the bet is forced to review a bad movie of the winners choosing. The catch is that you have to write a review that makes it sound amazing. The first time we tried out this little project, I am sad to say that I lost. The result was a full page ode to the glory of Martin Lawrence's "Black Knight". Ugh... So, now we are going to try to get one of these bets going at least once a month. The topic of this months bet: The Yankees and Sox. Lets get one thing straight: Sam = Yankees fan, Hen = Red Socks fan. Needless to say we both hate the other one, so what could be better than enhancing this abject hatred through a bet.

The Bet: If the Yankees (the Good Guys) win the series of the weekend Sam wins. If the Sox win (the Bad Guys) Hen wins.

Sam's Prize: Hen has to write about "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" with the same fervor an passion as he would Spiderman (I know, I know it sucks).

Hen's Prize: Sam has to write about Mr. Brooks.

Let the games begin.

Top Hundred

So, over the next hundred days, we will be posting one out of Hen's top hundred each day. Look forward to a new one every morning round 10 ish.

Henry's Top Hundred: #100 - Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others)

I don't know about you, but I was shocked when The Lives of Others won the Oscar for best Foreign Film. Remember, this was the year that some people were calling Pan's Labyrinth the best film of the year. Not only that, but by the time the best Foreign Film award was handed out, Pan's had already won some design awards. So it seemed like a shoe-in. Now I liked Pan's...I thought it was pretty cool. I thought it lacked a certain magic...it never quite came alive for me; but there was no denying its strengths. I completely expected Del Toro to win the award for his "masterpiece". So I was blindsided when some German movie I had never heard of walked away with the Oscar. If I had only seen The Lives of Others first...there would have been no doubt in my mind as to which film deserved the oscar.

The Lives of Others, the first film from Writer and Director Florian Henckal von Donnersmarck, is a real masterpiece. The basic plot is a character study of a member of the Stasi as he monitors a liberal couple in mid 1980's East Berlin.

In many movies of this kind (European character pieces), the plot is almost inconsequential, because the acting or direction is so strong that the plot is merely a reason for these characters to come together. This is not true for The Lives of Others. The story, of the slow transformation of a bureaucratic, single minded government agent, into a compassionate guardian of a radical couple, hits all the right notes.

The main character, Captain Gerd Wiesler, played by recently deceased Ulrich Mühe, is one of the better characters to be put on film is the last few years. Very rarely can an actor sell the kind of transformation that Wiesler undergoes over the course of the film, but Mühe is more than up to the task. We have to believe that Wiesler would change from the ultimate company man, to someone who would risk his life for the lives of others. Mühe makes us believe.

The other lead character of the film is a playwright named Georg Dreyma. It is his life that Captain Wiesler becomes fascinated by, very much in part due to Georg's girlfriend Christa-Maria. Georg and Christa-Maria, played respectably by Sebastian Koch and Martina Gedeck, had to be appealing and romantic characters; otherwise, we would never believe the change that occurs inside Wiesler. They are. They're intelligent, sexy, and couragous...until that bravery is put to the test...

I won't give away the ending here but I will say that when I saw the film in the theater, there were very few dry eyes. This is a must see. A truly great film when those are so very rare.

So why is it only #100? Well, to be blunt, I don't wanna see it again. Not anytime soon at least. It is a fantastic movie, but it has low rewatch value. It's long. It's in a foreign language. It's heavy. If this was a list of the "best" movies I've ever seen, this would sky-rocket into the top 20. I'm pretty sure I've never seen a foreign drama that hit me as hard as this movie did. But this is a list of my favorite movies, and as much as I appreciate greatness when I see it, that's not all that I'm looking for in a favorite film.

Best Scene? "No, it's for me..." Yeah, maybe it was a bit obvious, but you're gonna tell me you didn't smile?

Henry Saw: The Ruins

The first time I heard of Scott Smith’s book The Ruins was not until last December when my family and I went to Mexico for our Christmas vacation. On one of our drives to an ancient Mayan pyramid, my mom said “This is kind of like The Ruins isn’t it?”. Everyone in the car nodded except me; it turns out they had all read the book when it first came out in 2006. This made me curious, and when I got home, I picked up a copy and read it over the course of two days. I thought it was a decent enough read, with a better atmosphere than plot, whose main characters ranged from stock to completely unlikable. Yet, at times, the book achieved a truly effective creepiness. Some of the images Smith conjures are the stuff of nightmares, and the book’s stark ending makes you question whether you should ever journey outside your home ever again.

Coincidentally, only a few weeks after I finished the book, I saw a trailer for the movie in front of some random February release. I recognized some faces…Jena Malone and that guy from Hostage and The Deep End (who is apparently named Jonathan Tucker)…but I immediately recognized that there were going to be scenes in the movie that did not appear in the book. This doesn’t bother me in the least; in fact, in this case, it made me more interested to see the movie than if it looked like they filmed the book beat for beat. When I got home, and saw that Scott Smith wrote the screenplay, my hopes were raised even higher. Smith had adapted his first novel, A Simple Plain, to great success in 1998.

So last Friday, I dragged Sam along to see what was my most anticipated release for the month of April. My opinion of the movie, in short, was that it was not strong enough to recommend. The plot, for those who don’t know, follows 5 young tourists who journey into the jungles of Mexico to find an ancient temple that “isn’t on the map.” Once they find the site, they are immediately approached by threatening locals. They are chased up the pyramid and the locals won’t allow them to leave. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they start to realize they aren’t alone…the plants seem to be moving…and hungry.

With a plot like that, the movie could have been a lot worse. Like the book, the movie takes the narrative very seriously. Any winking at the audience and who knows how bad it could have been. The acting, across the board, is solid. Jena Malone has a thankless role as Amy, the nagging, cowardly girlfriend but carries it off fine. Jonathan Tucker, as the de facto leader of the group, is believable as the guy who would rise to the occasion in a disaster. In the book however, we got a better since that his character Jeff, was just as scared as everyone else and that his take charge attitude was a means of coping with that fear. Shawn Ashmore, who I really like in the X-Men movies, has nothing to do here but look nervous and say variations of “We need to make a break for it” again and again. In the book it was Ashmore’s character Eric who stars in the most horrific scene when he tries to surgically remove parts of the plant that have gotten into his body. In the movie, those moments are given to the fourth lead, Laura Ramsey. Ramsey, who it must be said is very attractive, plays Stacey and was the standout of the cast. Stacey seemed the most realistic character in my mind; she shows signs of courage, but is ultimately overwhelmed by the bleakness of their situation. The scene I mentioned, when Stacey realizes that the plants are growing inside her and she tries to remove them, is certainly squirm worthy. And not in an “Oh that’s gross!” Hostel way, but in a, “I might do the same thing…” way. The only other character really is Joe Anderson playing a German named Mathias. Anderson cannot pull off the accent (is there really not one German actor who could have played this part? All he has to do is lie on a gurney for awhile and scream…) and his character is robbed of a lot of what made him interesting in the book. He’s an after-thought.

One problem with the characters in the movie however, is that they are too likable. In the book, all of the characters are very flawed. True to life maybe, but they’re all kind of jerks. This makes the end of the book, in some ways, satisfying. The actors to their credit make our cast more sympathetic, but in some ways, this is a disservice to the film.

The direction by Carter Smith is competent but unremarkable. I kept thinking while I was watching the movie, “This must have been really easy to make.” The plants are done almost completely with CGI, there are only 2 sets (the hotel and the pyramid), and a lot of the action of the movie is the four characters sitting in a circle and deciding what to do. Still, the direction is fine, with no stand-out shots but a few that manage to convey the horror effectively.

The ending is changed from the original book for no real reason. The film’s finale could hardly be called happy, but it is more optimistic than the book, which is just not what the story needed. If the movie is on Starz one night, and you can bet this movie will in heavy rotation on one of the cable networks, leave it on. It’s really not utter badness, but it’s just not that good. The movie doesn’t ruin The Ruins but doesn’t exactly rebuild them either.

Best Scene? Stacey trying to remove the weeds from her forehead.

Letter Grade: C-

Be Good,

H.

Beating the Crap Out of His Critics in the Ring Isn't Enough for Uwe Boll

Jeez, Uwe Boll, famed for turning plot-less video games into plot-less movies such as "BloodRayne 1-3", "House of the Dead", and "Alone in Dark" (okay the game had a decent plot). Has gone ahead and called Michael Bay a fucking retard......Here's the Quote. Hit the link for the video.

"I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again," says Boll. "If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius you know, and if you go on May 23 on Postal you will see that I deliver a movie what nobody else delivered in the last 10 years, what is way better as all that social critic George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend."

Uwe Mad!

Michael Bay's response was a tad bit more reserved:

Classy

And lastly for those of you who haven't yet experienced the joy of seeing Uwe pummel a bunch of ponytail doting movie critics, enjoy:

Schadenfreude

Tough Act to Follow

Well, I'm not sure exactly where to start. After reading through the lengthy treatise Hen so kindly graced us with I'm a bit taken aback. It's like when you're in ninth grade and waiting to give a presentation, lets say its on Machiavelli for the sake of argument, and the damn kid who goes before you does some crazy presentation the likes of which your ageing teacher has never seen. Of course you go up there and whatever you've planned looks like complete crap. That being the case I've decided to keep it brief. If you've made it through Hen's piece then you already know too much. Yes, I can, and do watch Mallrats in my head from time to time. It's a skill and I have it on my resume under extra qualifications...deal with it. My taste in film is pretty lenient except for Horror flicks (I know what you're thinking, how could you not like the Exorcist? Well my friend, that's a thriller) and Romcoms so you'll probably won't hear much from me about those wastes of film, unless it's to trash them. I love Asian movies, especially the Korean ones (Old Boy, Bittersweet Life...anyone?), and a few Chinese one's here or there. I do have a soft spot for some pretty terrible action movies....I've seen "The One" with Jet Li three times, one of which was in the theater. I know, I'm ashamed. Aside from posting about movies and chiming in as often as I can to say how much the Spider-man movie such, I'll also be doing most of the behind the scenes work, so you may not see too much of me in the beginning. Okay, seeing as I've already violated my keep it brief plan, I'm gonna cut it off right here.

The Twelve Leftovers: The Ones That Didn't Make The Cut (101-113)

One week I was bored and decided I would make a list of my top 100 favorite movies. It actually was not quite as hard as I thought it would be. Limiting the field was rather easy, as all I really had to do was look over my DVD collection and I went from there. Also making it easier was this was a list of my favorite movies, not the ones I think are the best. 300 is not as good a movie as On the Waterfront, but I like it more. So the only analysis that had to go into this was gut feeling. And obviously there's not really a difference between what movie I put at #34 and the one I put at #48. But in general the list at least represents, on any given day, which 100 movies I find essential in my DVD collection.

To lead off what I hope will be a relatively steady column, I'm listing the movies that have been pushed out of the top hundred because I've since seen something I liked more and something had to be bumped.

101. Superbad - One of only two good comedies released in 2007 (there were three if you think of Juno as being funny; I liked it, but it wasn't funny) along with Knocked Up. My sister liked Superbad more than Knocked Up but I found the core cast of Knocked Up to just have more comedic talent than the main two characters of Superbad. Still, this was a fantastic movie with its fair share of quotable lines. Also, as cheesy as it sounds, this movie's heart was in the right place.

Best scene? The Period Stain.


102. American Beauty - This is one of those movies that I've noticed people don't seem to like. I've seen arguments it is the worst Best Picture winner of all time (when we all know that distinct honor belongs to Crash). Still, this movie...it works. Kevin Spacey is fantastic in what is really a comedic part. Annette Benning...isn't terrible. And the kids are all great in this movie. Wes Bentley especially impressed me and continues to do so every time I see the movie. He even sells that stupid plastic bag scene.

Best scene? The scene between Lester and his wife at Mr. Smiley's


103. X-Men - This was one of the harder calls. When I realized X-Men was not in my top 100, I was actually kind of shocked. The night I saw this with 3 of my best friends, was one of the more memorable movie nights of my life. I mean, it was finally here. They were finally on the big screen. I'm a lifelong comic book fan and while it hasn't always been the best book on the stands, I've always read the X-Men books. And yeah, there had been Blade, but this was the first comic book movie I was ever REALLY excited for. And it is a good movie. Hugh Jackman was...unbelievably good in what could have been a silly role. And their portrayal of the Magneto/Charles Xavier conflict was done to perfection. So why isn't this in the top 100? Because it's not that good. It wears its budget on its sleeve and sometimes resembles a really good pilot for a Sci-Fi channel show. The villains, outside of Magneto, are pretty shit. And then there's that line of dialogue...about Toads and lightning or something (written by Joss Whedon btw). Sorry X-Men...but you're #103. We'll always have that special night at New Roc City theater though.

Best Scene? Anytime Sir Ian and Captain Jean-Luc Picard are on the screen together




104. The Third Man - The "Best" movie listed here. And really a cool flick. Joseph Cotten plays a writer who goes to post-war Vienna only to discover his longtime friend, played by Orson Wells, has recently died. Or has he? A film noir masterpiece ensues. Orson Wells is at his charming best and Cotten, who is one of the older actors whose work I really enjoy, carries the lead capably. It's really a director's movie though, including a fantastic last shot that Scorsese borrowed from in The Departed.

Best Scene? The one containing this line of dialogue


105. Airplane - As Ben says, we've all seen it so many times its not really that funny anymore. And unfortunately, he's absolutely correct. But I can't deny that the movie is funny and it is a classic. Still the best movie of its kind (though I have a soft spot for Hot Shots Part Deux).

Best scene? Tossup between people killing themselves as Ted Striker tells them his life story and, of course, movies about gladiators.


106. Inside Man - Just a fun movie. And I really like that Spike Lee let this movie be was it is. Does he add some Spike Lee-isms in there? Yeah...but he's pretty good about limiting them. In the end, he made a straight heist movie, with a cool twist, with strong acting. And any movie that manages, 60 years after the war, to still find a way to stick it to Nazi sympathizers gets a thumbs up from me.

Best Scene? The opening credits with that cool song by Sukhwinder Singh (Note that this is NOT a scene from the movie)


107. Out of Sight - Another movie that when I started the list I figured would be higher but in the end, I'm just a little tired of Soderbergh and Clooney. But this was the first pairing between the two, and in my opinion the best (Sam and Ben both prefer Ocean's 11 I believe). Jenifer Lopez is actually really good in this, and this was the first movie in which I really noticed how great Don Cheadle is. Also gets credit for one of the better endings to a movie ever. Impossible to not leave the theater with a cool, wry smile on your face.

Best Scene? The aforementioned ending.


108. Out of the Past - I saw this described as the Citizen Kane of noir movies. I don't quite agree with this as I think it's not quite the best noir ever made (not that I think Citizen Kane is the best movie ever made but that is a discussion for another time). No, I would call Out of the Past as the Die Hard of noir movies: It set the bar as what the template of a noir should be. Gritty lead actor with a secret from his past...a dry, detached voice-over...a deadly dame...a menacing but stylish villain...a mute Latino boy...it has everything. Please, seek this movie out and give it a shot. It's quite cool...

Best Scene? Robert Mitchum and Jane Greer's flirtation in Mexico



109. The Two Towers - My Least favorite of the Lord of the Rings films as I think too much of the movie drags. Only the scenes at Helm's Deep can hold my attention. On the other hand, those scenes are some of the best action / war scenes ever put to film.

Best Scene? The build-up to the big fight with the approaching army of Orcs , the interaction of the heroes, and the rain fall that sets in just before the action starts.



110. Hotel Rwanda - Schindler's List with Black People! Actually, no, but they do work in similar territory. Don Cheadle proves why he should be considered among the best actors working today (he was robbed of the Oscar by Jamie Foxx doing an impersonation of Ray Charles, who was apparently a really big asshole). It's a very compelling true story of courage and compassion in the midst of one of the worst situations the world has seen since the Second World War. Nick Nolte doesn't suck in this movie either, which has to be considered a minor miracle.

Best Scene? Don Cheadle lying and manipulating people in order to save as many lives as he can (he does this a lot).



111. Jaws - Bryan Singer's favorite movie for what it's worth. The movie still works but I don't know of anyone in my generation who like this movie as much as the people who saw it when it first came out. And I don't swim so I don't find it that scary. But as a monster movie / examination of small town politics it's still a pretty fun movie. It's certainly the only movie with Richard Dreyfus in it that I can stomach.

Best Scene? The scene in which the three leads compare scars (parodied / paid-homage-to by Kevin Smith in Chasing Amy)




112. Road to Perdition - I think this is the only Tom Hanks movie on the list. I really dislike Tom Hanks. Despite that, I thought this movie has never gotten the credit it deserves. The look that cinematographer Conrad Hall gives the film is superb (he won a posthumous oscar for his work). I've read complaints that it is almost too perfect looking...while I understand that complaint I just don't agree with it. It looks like a moving photograph. The dynamic between Paul Newman, Tom Hanks, and Daniel Craig give it a depth that makes it a superior work to the graphic novel it is based on by Max Allan Collins. Jude Law appears and plays against type as a hit-man who likes to take photos of his kills. This is a very serious movie, with hardly any laughs to be found after the first 10 minutes but that's not what this movie is about. It's an examination of fathers and sons, loyalty, as well as a pretty great crime movie.

Best Scene? Paul Newman and Tom Hanks meet during Mass and try to see if there is anyway they can avoid trying to kill each other.




Be good,

H.