The Top Ten Suckiest Sequels

So in preparation for Indiana Jones 4...my most anticipated / fear-inducing movie of the year, I decided I would lower my expectations by reminding myself of how bad sequels can be. The criteria for the following are simply this:

1) The Movies had to be really bad

2) They had to be sequels to quality films. So that's why a Weekend At Bernie's 2 will not appear on the list. Why? Because Weekend at Bernie's 1 was pretty shit.

On to the list


10.
The Lost World - I don't think people actually remember that old Spielbergo directed this. It's kind of easy to forget. After all, it is really bad...and he didn't do Jurasic Park 3...so it is kind of easy to misremember who made this suck-fest. But just to refresh your memory: It stars Julianne Moore, Jeff Goldbloom, and Vince Vaughn (forming one of the most annoying core group of actors ever put on screen). Then there was the gymnastic black girl who kicked a Raptor or something. Then a T-Rex stomps through San Diego...does anyone remember anything else about this movie? I guess there was the one scene where the trucks are falling off the cliff and the glass is cracking and all that...but it is set up by the gigantic problem that was: NINJA DINOSAURS. What do I mean by that? When it was effective for Spielberg, he had the T-Rex shake the earth, cause ripples in glasses of water, etc; but when it was convenient, he would let the Tyrannosaurus sneak up on everyone. Everyone would be hanging out and then BOOM - giant dinosaur is fucking your shit up. The movie is just lame...its repetitive, derivative, and just plan bad-ative.

Hm...I saw this movie with my dad, at Fresh Pond Theater in Massachusetts, over Memorial Weekend, exactly 11 years ago. This Memorial Weekend, another Spielberg movie comes out...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck


9.
Rocky 5 - Sorry, I would love to provide a picture and small blurb about this movie, but as every male knows...there is no such thing as Rocky 5. In some distant universe, a place I never want to live, Rocky 5 exists. And it is just terrible. And kind of sad...mostly pathetic. But we thankfully live in a world without a Rocky 5. I mean...I would hate to see an actor trying to recapture his youth by playing a character that made him famous over a decade ago...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

8.
Batman and Robin - I saw the end of this movie on TBS today. And I really don't think I can describe how lame the movie is. So since a picture is worth ten-thousand of my words let me make this easy on myself:

Batman and Robin

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...a fourth movie in a series that is really bad...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

7.
Son of the Mask - ...Well...hm...You know the thing about a bad movie is...no...You know I actually enjoyed the Mask...nah...nope. I actually don't have the ability to describe how terrible this movie is. I'd like to think I'm not the worst writer ever, but I am not capable of stringing together the right adjectives to properly get across how fucking awful this failed, bloody, abortion of a movie is. The only reason it is so low on the list is that, in the end, what could you really expect from a sequel to The Mask with Jamie Kennedy as the star? This movie isn't so bad it is funny, it's just terrible. Avoid like the goddamn plague. ...Hm...a terrible sequel involving fathers and sons...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

6.

Ocean's 12 - I wanted to kick everyone involved in the making of this movie square in the balls. Ocean's 11 was an incredibly fun and upbeat heist movie. And while it had its twists, it always kept the audience in on the fun. Ocean's 12 however, was not made for you. Or me. Or anyone save for the 12 stars and their director. This movie is nothing but George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Catherine Zeta Jones and Julia Roberts (with an especially maddening cameo from Bruce Willis) bumbling around Europe and kind of making a movie about it. There's not a great heist here. No cool plan. I honestly cannot really remember what the plot of the movie is. I only remember that fucking scene with Julia Roberts playing someone who looks like Julia Roberts who meets Bruce Willis who steals an egg or something. What the shit were they thinking? ...A sequel in which everyone involved thought they were above criticism and did whatever the hell they liked because they have so much clout...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

5.

AVP - Do I even need to bother? Fine...the first two Aliens, and the first Predator, are among my favorite movies of all time. They are, without a doubt, the best Extra Terrestrial movies ever made (Sorry, I hate E.T.). But this mash-up is just so bad that it is actually amazing. How do you mess this up? Here's how you make this movie: Group of marines go to a planet overrun by Aliens; little do they know that a small group of Predators is already there. Boom- there's your movie. What did we get instead? Some mumbo-jumbo about a temple in the arctic that changes shape a lot and some scientists go there and then they all die and then one of them makes friends with a Predator...it's just incredible. And it really makes you wonder if at no point, throughout the entire production, if anyone cared about making a worthwhile movie... Was it all about bleeding the two franchises dry? Seeing the finished result, I almost hope that's the answer. Because if anyone actually "tried" in the making of that film...then no one has ever been worse at their job in the history of ever.

Two great franchises from the 80's dug up and regurgitated for a new audience...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

Tied at 3.



and



The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean Sequels: Two of the biggest "franchises" of all time. And four of the worst sequels ever made. That's right, this entry includes The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions, along with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and At World's End. Here are two franchises that did every thing wrong, and what's funny is that they made very different mistakes.

If there is one common problem with the four movies it is that the film makers got WAY too into their own hype. With the Matrix sequels, the Wachowski brothers clearly felt like they could do whatever they wanted in the sequels. The first Matrix movie was such a phenomenon and was so damn good that the directors felt like the audience would follow them anywhere. Instead of an awesome action movie posing intelligent questions, we got two dull action movies trying to answer stupid questions.

There was obviously a great trilogy that could have been made here. But from the get-go the sequels completely dropped the ball. We end the first Matrix with Neo able to not just fly, but also completely destroy the agents from within. He is able, from what I gather at the end of the movie, to essentially rewrite the code of the Matrix. He promises to wake people up, to kick the war between man and machine up a notch...so what do we get in number 2? Neo is doing the same Karate shit against the agents, and seems more interested in powdering his vagina then going to war against any machine. It really makes no sense coming from the original film. The second Matrix is bad (the car chase scene being the only good moment) but it was how it ended that signaled the shit that was to come. The whole scene with The Architect is so bad that we all should have known that the Wachowskis had passed the point of no return. The Matrix Revolutions is a steaming pile of rhino shit. For its 2 hour run time, nothing remotely cool or clever occurs. Nothing. I don't know what could have been done to save these movies...I mean after The Matrix why wouldn't you trust the Wachowskis to make some quality sequels? But they didn't. They made 4+ hours of garbage spread out over 2 films. Such a pity...

The Pirates series has a slightly different problem. At least with the Wachowskis I believe they wanted to make a real trilogy. They had a story they wanted to tell and the success of the first Matrix let them bring that to the screen. It happened to blow ass but at least I don't doubt that they had a 3-part story mapped out in their head. The Pirates movie would have been much better going the Indiana Jones route: Three separate movies that could stand on their own. That world was simply not interesting enough to try and make the new Star Wars Trilogy for the 21st century. The only word I can think of to describe the second and third POTC movies is: MESS. Those two sequels are an absolute mess. They're both incredibly long, filled with twists that not only does no one care about, but no one can follow, and they manage to take a lot of what was great about the first film and ruin it. For instance, Jack Sparrow goes from a very charming rogue to just a bit of an asshole. I couldn't wrap my head around why we were suppose to care about him in the third one when he had done everything he could to fuck all the real "good guys" over.

Somehow, the Pirate movies were gigantic successes at the box office. What's worse, people actually liked the movies it seems. If we had just gotten two stand-alone sequels, as light and without pretension as the first, we might be talking about one of the all-time great franchises. Instead we have 2 fiascos that make me just want to drink heavily.

Self-Indulgent pricks ruin potentially brilliant franchises because they just completely miss the target...Spielberg and Lucas managed to avoid this with the Indy series during the 80's but now...please don't suck please don't suck please don't suck

2.

The Exorcist 2: The Heretic - This is actually the worst sequel ever made. There is a good reason why it is not number one, and we'll get to that, but it doesn't get worse than this. It is famous for how bad it is. The Exorcist, the first one, is the best horror film ever made. It is an astounding picture that hasn't aged a day. It's perfect.

This movie is so bad that it really is funny. It is laugh out loud hilarious at times. I actually recommend you see this movie. It's that bad. It's a perfect specimen of the kind of crap that man is capable of producing. If you are able to sit through it, you will appreciate every movie you see afterwards, because I promise you that it won't be as bad as this travesty. Check it out, it sucks so bad that its great.

I can't relate this movie in any way to my anxiety over Indiana Jones 4 but it had to go on the list. This is the worst sequel of all time.

1.
Spider-Man 3 - This is, by no means, the worst sequel of all time. But no film has ever let me down as bad as Spider-Man 3.

Spider-Man 2 is one of my favorite movies of all time. And I don't mean "I really like Spider-Man 2." I fucking love Spider-Man 2. I am already imagining writing its entry into my Top 100 (which thankfully won't be for awhile...it's very high on my list) and I don't know how I'll be able to do it. No movie, not even Raiders of the Lost Ark, lifts my spirits like that movie. Every time I watch it, every time, I have the biggest, goofiest smile on my face. Spider-Man 2 = Joy for me. So to say I was excited for Spider-Man 3 would be an understatement. It would be more honest to say that I was expecting Spider-Man 3 to be something worthy of awe. I had never been more excited for a movie, and really, don't think I ever will be again.

Why?

Because Spider-Man 3 broke my heart. I mean, that sounds a bit melodramatic...and it is...but...Spider-Man 3 really stung. When I first saw it, I walked out knowing I hadn't loved it. But I tried to sell it to myself. It felt like a comic book (a really bad comic book)...it had a good fight (one, between Peter and Harry, and Peter was acting like a Emo douche)...the effects were good (meh...seen better).

But in the end, it's faults were undeniable. There was nothing joyous about Spider-Man 3. The whole thing felt as rotten as Denmark. The action was perfunctory, nothing near the brilliance of the action scenes with Doctor Octopus from the second one. Watching Peter just be an asshole, and Harry a moron and then a villain and then a mopey hero, and MJ a rag-doll...was just not interesting. It was depressing.

And then, the movie's biggest sin, they had Peter hit MJ. And you can try to explain that scene anyway you like...they still had him do it. Look, I'm a big boy, I'm 22...I can handle seeing Spider-Man fuck up. I'm not that big a loser. But to have a movie that SHOULD be for kids include that scene...well it just drives me nuts. It was at that moment, to paraphrase Bart Simpson in "I Love Lisa", when you could actually pinpoint the second when my heart ripped in half.





So here I am, awake at 3:30 AM, less than 22 hours from seeing Indiana Jones 4...and I don't know what I'm expecting. I'm not excited so much as I am worried. I'm not worried so much about the film's quality (though that's a concern) but more in how I am going to approach the film. If I get too excited for it...it will only let me down. That's just a fact. But if I go in ready to rip it apart then I will do just that. I'll find every mistake that Lucas and Spielberg made and tear them to bits for it.

In the end, I just want the movie to be okay. Take that word for what you will. I just want the movie to be okay. I want to hear that amazing John Williams score in the theater for the first time and smile. I wanna get that feeling on the back of my neck that I got from the Temple of Doom (the fist Indiana Jones movie I ever saw) way back when. But unlike that "first time" I don't need that feeling to last for two joy-filled hours. I just need that feeling for a second. One scene, one quip, one anything. If for one moment I can sit in that theater tomorrow and feel like I'm watching a fucking Indiana Jones movie...I'll be happy.

But what do I know...I'm making this up as I go.